The results are IN!!

So sorry to leave you girls hanging - it has just been a whirlwind the last few weeks.  Many of you have been asking what happened, so let me start where I last left off....here goes.


The last time I posted, I was going to test in 3 days, but you know how impatient I am, so by Sunday I did a test - I mean I bought 100 tests for $5 on ebay, so how could I resist?

So I took the test in the morning when I got up to pee and went back to bed.  When I got up two hours later, I could see a very faint second line.  If you look at the photo, you might not even see it!  I got Freddie and he assured me that he could also see it.  I referred to the last time I could see a faint line and Freddie finally confessed that he didn't see anything that time but just wanted to make me feel better.  This time, he did see the faintest of lines, but you know how your mind tries to protect the heart - maybe it's an evaporation line, maybe it's a weird artifact caused by sitting in the sun, maybe, maybe, maybe.  We decided to test again the next day an see IF it gets darker.  I have to confess that I couldn't help but hope that it would, but I knew I'd be totally crushed if it didn't get darker.


So Monday morning came and it was hard. I mean I had to pee at midnight but I refused to go as I knew I had to 'save' my urine till morning. I don't know how I did it, but I stayed in bed till 5am.  I finally got up and did a test - another faint line.  I thought, maybe it's the test??  So I did a second test - still a faint line.

It hadn't gotten any darker.  It was still definitely there, but so very faint.  I had been praying for it to get darker, and it wasn't.  It was hard to do nothing, but we decided to wait till tomorrow, again, hoping that on Tuesday the line would be darker than the control...my hcg should be rising, right???

 So Tuesday morning, I got up with some trepidation as I pulled another test out.  Went through the same routine, only to get yet another faint line.  I did what anyone would do - I did another test.  As you can see, maybe if you squint the line seems a tad darker, but still very faint.  Freddie suggested I go to the clinic and get blood work done, but I was starting to get worried that my hcg's weren't rising properly and perhaps that was why the second line was so faint.  I don't think I could deal with another loss - I mean I'm still mourning our first baby.  Why else would the line still be so faint? I kept thinking about it all day - could it be the test?  I know $5 doesn't buy much, but I used the cheap ovulation strips and the second line did get almost as dark as the control, so the same thing should happen here.  Is it really low hcg numbers?  I know these tests have a sensitivity of 25uL, but my levels should be rising more than that...and the thoughts continued, followed by fear, hope, worry, excitement, grief, joy, loss and so on.  The teeter-totter went like this all day.  Even thought I knew things could end badly, I couldn't help but hope more and more each day for a miracle.  I was so scared that when the bad news came I would fall so hard...


By Wednesday morning I was dreading yet another pregnancy test.  I went through the motions, barely glancing at it.  I knew it would be another faint line...and I was right, yet another faint line.  Freddie came into the bathroom and looked at the strip, and being that always positive, glass-half-full kind of guy, he pointed out that the line WAS there.  Maybe it just didn't get any darker?  He again suggested that I go to the clinic for blood work, but I hesitated - the fear had gripped me again.  I then remembered that I had one last ClearBlue test left over from last summer when I was pregnant. I had no idea if it was expired or not, but I gave it a go....
                                                                       I
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                                                                      \/


...and I was so relieved to see this....

 Yup, that is a PLUS sign - knowing that I am indeed pregnant made me smile and the fear dropped off.  I decided to get dressed and head over to our fertility clinic and get my blood work done - and start praying for a good number.


I got to the clinic later that morning and had my blood drawn.  I also spoke at length with the head nurse, as I had some questions and I also wanted to know what I could do to prevent the possibility of another miscarriage.  The nurse was great - he gave me a prescription to continue taking progesterone suppositories until the end of the first trimester and I am to start taking low dose aspirin during the first trimester as well.  He explained that there is no way to know where either of these will help prevent a miscarriage, but they certainly wouldn't hurt.  We also talked about my irrational fear of driving, as we are thinking of doing a road trip to Washington and I was concerned about driving for 9 hours - I know, I know, that is a totally irrational fear, but I started miscarrying last summer when we were coming home from a family reunion that was only two hours away.  He was also very frank that if there is anything wrong or if they feel the numbers may be a little low, they won't beat around the bush but will simply tell me - it won't be done in a hurtful way, but it will be honest and I really appreciated that.  Last year, our first hcg numbers were supposedly 'a little low' but the doctor had assured us that quite often they rise more, even if it is a little later and he assured us that all was well - but now looking back, he never followed up with further blood work at regular intervals and I feel upset with him as I think he may have known that a miscarriage could be coming and not only did he not let us know, but also didn't do anything to try and stop it - so I was happy to hear that honesty it top priority at this clinic.


That afternoon, the clinic called and said that my hcg's were at 303.  Much higher than I had anticipated for 16dpo.  I went back on Friday and the fear was back, as I knew that they were looking for at least a 60% increase, so I knew that they needed to be at least 484.  In the afternoon, Freddie called me in the car to let me know that the clinic had called and our numbers were 649!  YEY!!!  They had more than doubled!!  Whew, what a total relief.


We talked about it, and we decided that this time we were going to tell everyone right away.  Last time, we only shared our joy with our parents, and when our baby died we did not get any sympathy, care or concern, and that really stung and still hurts today.  By not sharing our news, we only protect others at our own expense, so really, why would we keep this to ourselves until the second trimester?


A few days ago, we shared the news with my mom.  I gave her a card announcing our pregnancy and our tentative due date of March 25th - she was happy, but within 30 seconds she was worried and begging me not to take the drive to Washington - clearly, she was worried about the drive as well.  I explained to her that I had checked with the nurse at the clinic and driving won't cause a miscarriage - her reply was "OK, but I'll be praying the whole time".


The next day, it was clear that my mom had me freaked out about the trip and I was second guessing myself.  I posted the driving question on a few forums and got the same reassurance that it was ok.  I emailed a good friend of mine who just gave birth to her second daughter, she also has 3 angels in heaven and happens to be a physician - she also told me to go and have fun.  I then went back to my clinic for another blood test to get some reassurance that all was going well - and on the 22dpo, my levels were at 3060!  So they are more than doubling and looking really well!!!  So we decided to drive to Washington DC over two days, doing 5 hours on day 1 and 4 hours on day 2.  We'll stop every hour to walk around, stretch and take a pee break.  Honestly, I'll probably sleep the drive away while Freddie drives.  But just to be sure, I'll probably go for another blood test tomorrow just before we go.  It's really great that our new clinic lets me come whenever I feel like it and they also oblige and do blood work, which is covered by our provincial health plan.


Last night, it was Freddie's mom's birthday and we went out to dinner with the entire family.  I had ordered Escalope of Beef as my main dish, which is supposed to be a fairly thinly pounded steak.  What arrived was a steak about the thickness of a thicker burger, dripping with blood and barely pink.  I felt like such a heel, but I had to send it back to be cooked more.  It was a pretty fancy restaurant and I'm sure the chef wasn't impressed with me, but our baby's safety is top priority!  So when it was time for the gifts, my MIL opened up the card where we had written 'With Love from Freddie, Joanna and *****'s little sister or brother - arriving March 25th!'.  At first she read the card, her smile melted when she saw the mention of our angel, and when she kept reading this look of shock fell on her face.  She looked at me, looked at Freddie and started to cry - that of course got me crying, then Freddie's niece.  Everyone else was shocked and had no idea what was going on.  So she read the card out loud and the room erupted with applause.  The best part is that I was videotaping it and got the entire thing on tape for posterity.  At the end of the night, everyone congratulated us and wished us a better outcome than last time - which was nice, as we are hoping for the same thing.  I'm sure that some of them were wondering why we would even share the news this early, but I really don't care what they think - we have our reasons.


So we are leaving tomorrow afternoon for DC.  I'm looking forward to getting away and relaxing a bit.  We haven't gone anywhere for 2 years, as I haven't been feeling great, so we're going to try this time.  I don't know if I'll be able to tolerate it, how far I'll walk or how I'll deal with the heat - as so far, every time I get up my head spins for a while, I used to get these before the pregnancy, but it seems to be worse now.  We'll see how we manage - Freddie knows of my limitations and this will be a litmus test for future travel.  In general, I feel well so far.  I do have some cramping 'down there' and abdominal cramps sometimes.  I have no morning sickness and I hope that continues - I've been doing acupuncture for the nasty nausea and vomiting I would get from my meds and I hope that perhaps that will curb the morning sickness, as last time I had morning sickness combined with my med-induced nausea and there were days I felt simply horrific and I lost 10lbs in the first few weeks of pregnancy.


When we return, we have an ultrasound scheduled for August 15th, which is the one-year anniversary of our angel's passing.  We didn't choose this date - this is the date that was assigned to us.  I'm actually encouraged - it's almost like a sign from God telling us that a date that would always be associated with death, loss and heartache, will now have a bit of happiness and joy associated with it.


Ladies, please keep me in your prayers, asking the good Lord to watch over us and keep us safe till delivery. I know our families will be praying for us, and I'm taking my rosary on the car ride and will be praying to our mother, Mary, but I'm asking everyone I know to keep us in their prayers.


Sending you all big hugs,