Do not be afraid of their tears

Melissa, a fellow BLM posted this entry and it really resonated with me, especially the part where we, bereaved parents, want YOU to say anything about our child, but by not speaking about him/her, the silence is even more unbearable.  You can read the entire post here.

I wasn't mad AT God.  I wasn't betrayed by God -but I felt betrayed by my own body.

I'm full of hope.  I used to hate to think that the life of a woman ended when she became a mother, as she lived for her kids.  My life will have purpose if I'm a mom.

scared of what our future might look like if we don;t have kids.

I asked for these...

I rarely ask for anything for my birthday.  I'm frugal that way.  Thank God that I have simple wants and am finally at a point where I can satisfy them, but I usually make sure that it's something that I REALLY want.  So it's rare that I ask, but today I did, for these:

From: Amazon.com

From: Amazon.com

Let me backtrack to Sunday night.  It was a rough day all around as it was the one year anniversary of my sweet kitty's death.  If you are a pet owner, you know how much we love our friends and how much we miss them.  Our girl died essentially of breast cancer - who knew cats could get it too?  She lived with diabetes for years and we diligently gave her the required insulin injections and during a checkup, the vet noticed several tumors on her mammary chain...sadly, there wasn't much we could do but love her for the next 5 months.  We could have tried surgery or radiation, but beyond the expense, we were more concerned with how much pain and suffering our kitty would endure, when sadly, the cancer would likely return.  So her poor little lungs were filling up with fluid and she had trouble breathing and we had to put her to sleep.  We stayed with her the entire time to make sure she wan't alone.  It was such a horribly sad day.  We took her home and buried our girl at my house under a Japanese Maple.  I love the shot of her above, she looks so relaxed - and our old couches, who didn't have a set of those?


So, returning to Sunday, I was dealing with the anniversary of our kitty, which was only 10 days after our Angel's EDD.  I participated in my online Bible Study, which makes me very emotional.  It seems that during the week I seem fine, but when it comes to these meetings I tend to listen more because when I start to speak, the tears come and voice quivers.  So while crying, I checked out Mary's blog and started reading about Angie and Todd Smith.  It was such a moving story of baby loss that I went to YouTube and watched 5 more videos about them.  I was in hysterical tears all night - it's been a while since I'd cried that much!  So I decided that I did want to get the book that Angie wrote.  If you hadn't heard this story, here is one link, but you can follow more on:

Over the last few weeks, I've also soon a lot of people talking about another book, and I asked for it as well.  I'm hoping that these two books will bring me some comfort.

Happy List Saturdays

Please Visit: http://aidensmom112.blogspot.com/

This is the very first time that I've joined a blog hop, but I've been meaning to write for a little while and I thought that since this week I have been very appreciative for all the blessings I've received, I thought this was a perfect way to summarize my week.  For those of you who have followed for a while, you know that my posts are usually painful and grey, so today I'm trying to be a little more upbeat!


~ I'm really happy and thankful that the surprise dinner that I threw for Freddie last weekend went off without a hitch! I surprised him, totally and completely.  As you know, I'm not feeling well enough to host a dinner or a party at our place, as they usually get pretty rowdy and I find myself heating, plating and hosting all night which is a lot of work, a lot of moving around and a LOT of cleaning up. Instead, I invited our friends to dinner and then to our place for cake and drinks.  We had a great time and it was nice to chat with our friends.  Although I only sat/stood for about 3-4 hours, I was in so much pain that I ended up in a hot bath trying to make it bearable at 2am...but I was so happy to do something for Freddie who has been so good throughout our crazy year full of sadness and pain.  Our home had some laughter in it for once!


~ I'm happy and thankful that my first attempt at baking a birthday cake from scratch went incredibly well!  I admit it took me 2 days to make the cake:  bake it on one day and decorate it on day 2, but it was delicious and looked great!


~ I'm happy and thankful for the good weather we've been having lately.  Some nice sunshine and the snow has melted.


~ I'm thankful and happy that Freddie got to his meetings OK.  His international flight was an early morning one and I'm happy that he's doing well.


~ I'm thankful and looking forward to Freddie's flight home on Monday night - can't wait!!  Skype is not enough "contact" :-)


~ I'm thankful and thrilled that Freddie got a job offer closer to home, so we'll be able to have dinner at a decent hour.


~ I'm thankful that I have a pain specialist who understands my desire to be a mom and who prescribes me meds that can be continued during pregnancy.  I have some new stuff to try and hopefully it will work better for me.


~ I'm thankful and happy that my 30 strips of pregnancy tests arrived this week.


~ I'm thankful and happy for the tender breasts I have had for the last 3 days.  Although my two pregnancy tests have been negative, this gives me hope that it can happen for us.


~ I'm thankful and happy that I had the chance to visit a naturopath this week.  I'll be starting the herbal drops along with Chasteberry and a regular taking of my Omega 3's, and perhaps this will help regulate my hormones.


~ I'm thankful and happy that we are going for a second opinion to another fertility clinic, perhaps they will have better news for us.


~ I'm thankful and happy that I have a new TENS unit to try out at home.  I will start using it next week, once Aunt Flo is here as you can't use it while pregnant.


~ I'm thankful that we had time with our angel, regardless of how short, we've both been changed by it.


~ I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who completely and totally backs me up and supports me.  I'm extremely lucky!!


~ I'm thankful for a great mom who occasionally makes me dinner, it's a huge help.


~ I'm thankful for my faith and my almost daily prayer.  I hope that I can make it daily.


~ I'm thankful for a nice week, as things could always be much, much worse...

Good Friends are Hard to Find!

As you know, yesterday was a really rough day for me, much harder than I had anticipated.  I seemed to be doing OK during the morning when I had things to do, but when I finally sat down to my prayer and reflection time, my thoughts drifted to our angel and where we should be today.  An unending flow of tears began and at times I sobbed so much that my entire body shook.

Finally, around 5pm I got up to make meatloaf for dinner, and just as I was frying onions and peppers, the doorbell rang.  I must admit that I almost didn't answer it as I'm tired of door to door salespeople, but I did go.  There, standing in front of me was a delivery woman with a huge smile, holding a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for me.  The note had the preprinted tag "I'm thinking of you" and my friend just signed her name.  I was so incredibly touched and of course the tears started to roll and I ended up sobbing hysterically (again) while trying to put the flowers in a vase.


I was so incredibly touched that she had remembered.  This day was only significant to Freddie and I - our parents seemed to forget that yesterday was our due date.  So in a world that seemed to overlook our angel, my good friend took the time to send us these gorgeous birds of paradise, which are also my favourite flowers!


So THANK YOU dear friend - your kindness and compassion are so greatly appreciated!!!

Letter to My Child

From: http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images/tiny-angels/tiny-angels-3.shtm

My dearest child, how I've missed you these last 6 months.  We would have been excited to see you enter the world and take you place as our firstborn.  I had prayed and waited for you, for a long time.  I was looking forward to hearing your gurgling and laughter in the house, to proudly showing you off to our friends and family, to cuddling with you and daddy, and knowing that we all shared such a special bond.  Instead, it's a gloomy and rainy March day and the house is quiet and so very sad without you.  We have no grave to visit, no marker to show the world that you were here - only the huge imprint on our hearts of the few who loved and love you so dearly.


I think of you daily.  I miss you so much - I wish that you were still here with us *****!  We love you so very much.  Even though I know that you are taken care of and loved by the angels, I can't help but wish that we had more time with you.  That we could take care of you and tell you how much we love you.


I had planned to visit the cemetery today, to somehow visit you, but its raining out there - so maybe tomorrow.  I baked a little cake for you, so that daddy and I can celebrate your birthday after dinner.  You'll never be forgotten *****, you will always be a large part of us, especially since you may be our only child, the only proof of how much we love each other and how much we wanted you as part of our family.  We light a candle for you most nights my sweet baby and we lit a candle at yesterday, Ash Wednesday.


I'd do anything to have you back with us.  The last months since your death have been so hard and lonely without you.  Now, as we begin Lent, the sadness is back - I just have to remember that there is light at the end of this journey - there will be a time when we meet, when we'll get to hold and cuddle you, make you smile and laugh, and show you ho much you are loved.

From:  http://wordexpertise.com/tag/private-life/

I don't dream of you, but I wish I did.  I picture you as a large baby, with 'peach fuzz" hair, who is always content and laughing.  I can see daddy nuzzling with you, as if the two of you shared a secret.  Today, I should have heard your first cry, but please know that we've loved you since the moment we knew.


Loving you always ~
    Mommy

This should have been my due date

From: http://lightworkers.org/blog/126446/two-new-babies-born-heaven

Today, I wrote a letter to my child, on the day of his/her birth.  Somehow, I thought that **** would have been a boy, not sure why, but just a feeling.  A baby that had been prayed for, for a long time, a baby that was so desperately wanted.  I told * how much he was loved and missed each day and I pray that my words reach him via angels' wings - but for me, I just have another letter to put in *'s memory box.


Today should have been a day of happiness and laughter.  We should have been anxiously awaiting *'s birth.  I should have been able to hear * cry for the very first time, get to see his scrunched up little face and feel him in our arms, between our embrace.  Instead, it's three o'clock and I'm still in my PJ's, resting on the couch on this rainy and miserable March day, wiping away my tears.  Our home should have been bustling with activity and the cooing sounds of a baby, but the silence is deafening and it seems lonelier than most days.

From: www.beautyofthelord.com/a_letter_from_heaven.htm

I had hoped to make it out to the cemetery to lay some flowers at Our Mother's feet, but I'm achy today and the rain is making me stay home - Perhaps I'll make it out there tomorrow.  After all, it's not like * is actually there - he's at God's feet, surrounded by angels, his tiny little earthly body probably making it out to the lake or ocean, being one with God's nature.  I hope to drop a flower wreath into our river on his angelversary, but for today, we'll just remember our child, we'll have the small cake that I made for his Birthday, and we'll send our love and our hearts to him in heaven.


Last night, while we were at Ash Wednesday Mass, we sang the hymn Ashes, which I had never heard before.  Some of the lyrics were so profound that I had tears in my eyes, as I thought about the symbolism of the ashes and my own grief for *, I've highlighted the poignant parts:



We rise again from ashes,
from the good we've failed to do.
We rise again from ashes,
to create ourselves anew.
If all our world is ashes,
then must our lives be true,
An offering of ashes,
An offering to You.
          We offer You our failures,
          we offer You attempts;
          The gifts not fully given,
          the dreams not fully dreamt.
          Give our stumblings direction,
          give our visions wider view,
          An offering of ashes,
          An offering to You.
Then rise again from ashes,
let healing come to pain;
Though spring has turned to winter,
and sunshine turned to rain.
The rain we'll use for growing,
and create the world anew,
From an offering of ashes,
An offering to You.
          ... Thanks be to the Father,
          who made us like Himself.
          ... Thanks be to His Son,
          who saved us by His death.
          ... Thanks be to the Spirit,
          who creates the world anew,
          From an offering of ashes,
          An offering to You.

From: http://www.1freechurch.org/Forms/child-dedication.htm

I visited the page for I Spoke With My Child - it's been a while since I'd been there.  I imagined that this was a conversation I could have with *.  I broke down again.  All the pain of the last months, all that missing, all that loneliness and all the love flooded over me and I cried again with unending tears.  You will always be loved and missed...never forgotten.