3 days till test

Hello, long time no read...


I just haven't felt very inspired to write as not much is going on.  I haven't even journalled in almost a month, but I thought I'd do a little update today, finally.


So, we are finishing off our third Clomid cycle.  In fact, I get to test on Monday and I'm hoping for some good news finally!!!  As you might recall, I'm being monitored at our clinic via daily bloodwork and ultrasounds every two days. This cycle seemed to go pretty well.  A week before we started this cycle, my pain meds were switched to ones that were 'fertility friendly' and were supposed to cause less problems with fertility, which is great.  The not so good news is that they don't offer the same level of pain relief as before, so I'm in more pain, but as long as I take it easy, don't overdo things and take lots of rest, it's manageable...and honestly, I figure this is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things if this could help us get pregnant.


Anyway, on day 10, I went in for an ultrasound and my lining was found to be 5.1mm, which is a little low as they like to see thickness of at least 6mm.  Last time it was my left ovary releasing eggs, so this time my right ovary had 3 visible follicles which measured 19, 17 and 16mm.  The reason I went in on day 10 was because last month I ovulated on day 12.  Due to the thinner lining in light of follicles that were almost ready prompted them to give me Estrace, an estrogen suppository which helps thicken the lining.  


So day 11 and 12 I did bloodwork.  Day 13, we did bloodwork and an ultrasound, which showed that my lining was now at 8mm, which is perfectly adequate, so I could stop the Estrace.  My right ovary showed 4 follicles, ranging in size as follows: 25, 20, 17 and 15mm.


Day 14 we did bloodwork again - I was alternating arms as my arms were sore and starting to get a little bruised and tender.  You know how they seem to take blood in the exact same spot as last time, so I had bruise on top of another bruise.  Day 15, we did bloodwork and an ultrasound that showed my right follicles were now at 28, 23, 18 and the last one might have been a 16, but they don't really worry about anything less than 18.  So I was really worried that I might not surge on my own and that my three great follicles might be reabsorbed back, so I took the Ovidrel syringe home, in case I had to take it.  Luckily, the call came later that day that my bloodwork had shown that I had surged overnight, so I was about to ovulate on either sunday or monday.  We timed everything correctly this time, with starting several days before the big O and a few days after.  Since then, I've been taking my progesterone suppositories and my prenatals as usual.


Our little kitty went missing a few days ago, so I've been busy worrying about her and putting up LOST posters.  We've also had a few other things going on, such as Freddie looking for a new car, good weather, some great yard work, which all means that I've had less time to obsess over whether I might or might not be pregnant.  I've had a few instances of smelling weird stuff which Freddie didn't notice.  I've been nauseous once, but that must have been due to the change in meds, as that wouldn't show up so early in a pregnancy.  I've got super weird dreams, but that could be the Estrace and/or Progesterone induced.  And lastly, my other cat has started using my belly as a bouncing off point to jump onto the couch back.  The reason this is strange is that she hasn't done this all year - the last time she jumped on my belly was when I was pregnant with our sweet angel, so maybe she knows something that I don't?


I haven't tested once yet, even though I probably could test on Sunday, so I've held off, for now :-)  I keep hoping that perhaps this IS it!  It would be fantastic, especially as the 1-year anniversary of the death of our child is coming up on Aug 15th, and I never thought that it would take this long for us to get back to that point.  Freddie keeps being optimistic, and I confess that I am too, as this cycle it at least seemed that everything lined up correctly - so please send some prayers to our good Lord for us...and that our kitty comes home :-(


We hope to take a week long vacation, the first one in two years, and we hope to drive to Washington and tour around.  I'll be honest that I worry how I'll be able to handle the trip, but I have to try.  Of course I've already thought about the ramifications of this trip if I were to be pregnant and I'm not sure how I feel about travelling that far [its a 9 hour drive] so early in the pregnancy...but so far, all this worry is simply a 'what if' situation right now.


3 days till I test...the countdown begins!

I'm feeling 'Off'

Hi folks,
I'm not even sure how to start off this post or what it will end up being about.  I have several thoughts swirling through my head and it's hard to predict which one will actually 'land' on this page...


I'm having a bad pain day today. We had done a few 'normal' things on the weekend and I think I'm now paying for them. It wasn't that much, really, but apparently enough to make today really difficult.  My back is stiff and hurts a lot - it's hard for me to get up from the couch and I was almost crying while cleaning the litter boxes today as it hurt so much.  I should take my new 'extra pain killer', but I don't want to be 'foggy' all day - it's sad that those are my choices.


On the weekend, we had gone to a housewarming  party for dear friends of ours who had renovated a century home.  We only stayed about 3 hours, but that was about 2 hours too long for me.  They had done an amazing job with the house, since their wedding in November, and it was refreshing to see a couple so full of joy and happiness about the future - it made me realize that I feel stuck where we currently are and I dare not dream of what our future might look like.  Actually, let me rephrase that - I'm scared to imagine what our future might look like.  While there, I of course had to deal with 2 pregnant bellies and a bevy of toddlers running around.  At one point we were talking with another friend who got married last year and is contemplating having kids.  I just nodded politely, but in my head I heard "Oh please...you're 40!  Maybe you should do more than just THINK about it...maybe you should book yourself at the closest fertility clinic as you have no inkling of what you are in for!!!"  Obviously I didn't say it, but I again recognized that I no longer had that same naivete, thinking that the moment we start trying it will happen...


On Sunday, we went to another dear friend's home for lunch.  This is a girlfriend that has been in my life since we were kids, so well over 30 years.  We used to talk a lot, but since she got married 18 years ago, I no longer have her to myself, I always have some package deal: either her and hubby, her/hubby/2 kids, her/2 kids, etc.  In the last 18 years, I think we have gone out, just the two of us, 3 times.  I often suggest that we grab a coffee and talk, but she always insists on bringing the kids or her husband along. I don't mind, but honestly, there are times when I'd like to share some issues that I don't feel are appropriate for younger ears.  So yesterday, her kids were clearly home and hung around us all the time.  Somehow, the conversation just wasn't 'gelling'.  I asked the kids about vacation and their plans, which were meant with the typical teenage 'I don't know'.  At one point the kids went downstairs and we had a real conversation, but that was killed pretty quickly when her brother and his girlfriend showed up and the talk changed to what they needed for their new house.  I felt like I had a permasmile on my face which was trying to mask my boredom and frustration.  I would have loved to talk to my friend about our infertility issues, or the things that I'm dealing with in my life, but not only did I not have a chance to talk to her, but it also seemed like our lives were literally worlds apart.


So I'm back to where I started, that I simply feel 'off', not really myself, unsettled, annoyed... maybe I'm just tired of vying for someone's attention, instead of having someone genuinely interested in me.  I guess there is a tinge of disappointment that my friends and family don't take an interest in what is happening with us and it is all this superficial 'contact'.  Oh, I don't know...I just feel off today....

La-la-la-di-da

From: Gertiecanker's Weblog

...in case you have any doubt, that is the Fat Lady singing. Yup, it's true, we've failed again.  I hate saying that: failure.  But that's the way I feel, like my body is failing me - and I'm not alone in this anymore.  Freddie also is feeling the failure and wondering if maybe the cold he had was the cause this time or the fact that he was exhausted that week.  We both are feeling like failures, like we can't achieve the simplest and most natural thing - have a baby.  


I realize that we are not alone in our 'unexplained infertility' journey, but it is frustrating as I'm constantly reminded of that commercial where the song talks about reproduction and the fact that birds do it, bees do it, even plants do it.  Everyone and everything...except us.


We are living in a world of tracking:  tracking my temp, tracking my blood hormones, tracking my follicles, tracking my uterine wall, tracking our intercourse, tracking, tracking, tracking... all with no effect.  For all the technology and knowledge, we still can't get pregnant.  I mean, I know, almost down to the hour when I ovulate, not that it makes a difference.


So today marks Day 3 of our third Clomid cycle.  We've decided to do another month on our own and then reevaluate things from there.  We are starting to lean towards trying IUI with our 4th Clomid cycle, as we are both aware that we only have 6 Clomid cycles before the jig is up.  We're both trying to keep our heads positive, but this has been a VERY trying weekend.


Father's Day was on Sunday and we both were pretty sure that we'd have something to celebrate this Father's Day.  I did a pregnancy test in the morning as I had hoped that I could include it in Freddie's card, but it was negative...again.  So I placed the Father's Day card on Freddie's pillow while he was in the shower.  When he opened the card, I was so shocked to see him break down, crumple into a ball and cry.  I wiped the huge, warm tears that were spilling down his face and my heart was breaking.  We held each other for a long time and both cried, thinking of our sweet baby.  I know that I had mentioned before that sometimes I felt alone in my grief and that it seemed that Freddie sometimes forgot - I don't believe that anymore.  I now realize that he feels the loss of our child and the same frustrations with this fertility situation as deeply as I do - he may just put on a much better face than I can ever muster.  Honestly, the reason that I got him the card was to make sure that he didn't feel forgotten on his first Father's Day...


The sense of loss and grief is so profound and it seems to hit me in various ways.  I find it hard to deal with friends or relatives who are expecting.  On the weekend, we drove by the rest stop where I discovered that I was spotting and eventually losing our child and it hit me that we had not driven by that location for 10 months now.  There are so very many 'what if's' running through my mind - what if our baby was here?  What if we hadn't done this or that?  What would our life be like if we had our baby with us?


Then to top it off, my father in law made a big deal of announcing to the whole family that his niece was expecting a baby in September.  The reason this was a shock is that she has been divorced from her husband for the last 3 years.  They have a gorgeous little boy who is about 6 and apparently now she wanted another child so desperately that her ex-husband obliged and she is now 2 months away from delivery.  You already know how I feel about a woman purposefully choosing to get pregnant and have a baby who is destined to grow up with one or possibly 2 single parents, but this is also the relative who hosted last year's family reunion to which we had driven for 2 hours and it was on the return trip that we realized that I was spotting and would lose our baby within the next 24 hours.  Logically I know the drive didn't cause our miscarriage, but there is that nagging 'what if we hadn't gone'?  I had contemplated offering to host this year's family reunion as I didn't think that I could make that same drive and sit at the same table where I had sat last year, pregnant, happy and full of optimism.  Now, knowing that there is a baby coming within weeks, I don't think I could host the reunion and have a heavily pregnant woman in my home - I realize that I may be over reacting here, but this is how I feel.  Getting back to the story, my father in law kept going on and on and on about this.  Freddie had his sunglasses on and I had to lower my shades as well as the tears were welling up.  After a good 5-7 minutes the conversation finally drifted to another topic.  I realize that my father in law is in his 70's and doesn't always think, but it didn't make it hurt any less.


So here we are, coming up on the one year anniversary of our baby's death and we are still dealing with meds, ultrasounds, blood work and no results.  I've prayed so hard and so much - Sunday night was the first time that I had a bit of anger at God.  I had trouble saying my evening prayers as I just kept thinking 'You could make this happen - you can make anything happen in my life.  I get the lesson - I know the value of children and family.  Why did we fail again???'  I did manage to Thank God for the blessings that I do have that night, but I won't say that it was easy.  I had no anger or rage at God after our baby's death, so this feeling of anger and frustration was a surprise to me.


If you have any words of encouragement or advice, I'd love to hear them.  I really feel like I'm about to lose my mind - I mean how long will I be dealing with all this?  How many more procedures will I endure?  How many more tears will I have to cry? Or is this God's way of saying 'save your breath, it ain't going to happen'?  I wish I knew that all this pain and suffering would be worth it in the end, but I'm so scared of going through all this and still coming out on the other end with empty arms...

Things are....

...mixed, very mixed.  I haven't posted too much lately as I don't know what to say.  I guess I should start with where we are in the TTC process.


As you know from my last post, we had a monitored cycle at our fertility clinic.  Since then, I've been tracking my BBT and was pretty excited that my temp has been fairly steadily sitting at around 98F, which is 'high' for me - but today I read that this is most likely caused by the progesterone suppositories that I'm taking.  So I feel a bit deflated by that today.

From: Stress and It's Effects on Women's Health

I'm confident that I ovulated on Day 12, Day 13 at the latest according to the bloodwork, and as today is Day 25, I can test on Day 27 which is Saturday.  But you know I already tested...twice!  You also know I tested negative both times and told myself it was too early.  I'm trying to be optimistic...trying, but it's like a see-saw, I'm up one minute and down the next.  


Today on my walk, and in the last few days, I've had a bit of abdominal cramping and I try to pray that it's implantation and pregnancy, but I'm well aware that it could also be Aunt Flo around the corner.  I know that this is slightly too much info, so forgive me, but a day or two ago I noticed a tiny amount of pink discharge in the toilet and my hopes rose a bit.  The last 3 days I've been exhausted, I mean I can't get out of bed before 9:30-10:00am.  My dreams are vivid and weird.  I've been a bit more emotional this week, having tears flow 3 times for no great reason.  One time, I was in church during confirmation and I just thought to myself whether I would feel sad the year that our baby would have been confirmed and before I could blink, I was a fountain of tears, trying to wipe them discreetly.  


 I analyze everything about my body now - are my breasts tender?  Do I feel a little weird? Does that smell bug me? Is my temp up?  Could this be IT?  I know - I'm driving myself crazy. One minute I think 'we did it!' and the next I know we failed.  I guess the pressure is on also because a year ago in June we conceived our sweet baby - I read somewhere that women are more fertile around their birthdays and with mine being at the end of May [yes, I'm a Gemini, can't you tell?], that theory panned out last year and so I'm hoping that it works again this year.  I pray at night, I pray during my walk, I pray during the day...that is the only thing I can do, the only thing I can control.


If we fail this time, it will be our 2nd failed clomid cycle and I wonder at what point we should consider IUI.  Do we try a third cycle on our own and then get help with IUI?  Do we move forward now?  Do we wait a bit?


So things are really all over the map and my emotions are also all over the place.  I'm desperately trying to be positive, but I can't help but prepare for a failure as well as I'm trying to protect myself.  Sometimes I wonder how we got here?  Things were going so well for the first two year of our marriage, then last year everything seemed to change and all the challenges showed up.  I'm so thankful to God for blessing me with a wonderful man who is sticking by me in the darkest days of our marriage - I pray for our marriage to see light and joy soon...

Being a good patient

As many of you know, I am a chronic pain sufferer due to the herniated discs in my neck and back, as well as my fibromyalgia [you can view some clips from a documentary about Fibromyalgia here].  


Today, I came across an awesome post from Kathy, a fellow 'professional patient' about how to be a good patient - you can check out that great post here.  Some of the ideas that Kathy had include the following, and I've added a few of my own, in random order:

Compliments of St. Vincent's Hospital

-Document all your symptoms with photos and written word so you don't forget when you finally get to the doctor's office


-Make lists of all your meds, procedures, who you have seen and when, so that when you go to a new physician, you can just give them a copy instead of writing it all out again


-Get copies of everything!  I now have a huge 4" binder [which I upgraded to as my 2" binder was getting too full].  In there, I have copies of my doctor's notes, all the medical correspondence between my physicians, the application that I submitted for disability, brochures and info I receive from the pharmacy about new meds, as well as copies of all my prescriptions so I know what was prescribed when.  I have another binder for all my fertility stuff, applications, receipts, med info, BBT charts, procedures done when, where and why, ultrasounds , etc.


-Keep track of your symptoms.  I enter all this info onto my computer calendar.  I track really bad days, I track bad 'episodes', I track abnormal cramping, in addition to all my medical appointments/physio/acupuncture, etc.


-If you are attending an important appointment, feel free to take notes during the appointment or  bring someone with you who will have a 'clearer mind'.  Freddie went with me to see the neurosurgeon as I was worried that I wouldn't remember all the info.  In lieu of that, bring a tape recorder or a video camera and tape the appointment [someone on Kathy's blog posted that one :-) ]


-Prepare for your appointment by making lists of all your questions and things you need to talk about.  If I don't prepare appropriately, sometimes I miss or forget about something I wanted to discuss and we all know how difficult it is to call a specialists office for more info.  Also, make sure that you ask WHY something is being recommended, WHY this treatment is sought after, WHY this drug might help....and don't forget that you have the right to refuse treatment if it doesn't make sense to you.


-Talk to folks in the waiting room. Many of them are there to see the same doctor or another similar specialist in the practice. They may have great advice about meds that have worked for them, treatments that are helpful and things to consider.


-Be on time.  It's hard to demand your doctor's full attention if you arrived late and are cutting into someone else's time.


-Be honest with your physician. They can't help if they don't know exactly what is going on with you.  This is no time to be ashamed or shy. If you are taking supplements or herbs, or practice some alternative therapies, tell them.


-Be nice!  I realize it's hard to keep your cool when you first see a med student who asks for your entire history, then the resident arrives and you answer all the same questions, and then finally your doctor enters and you repeat yourself for the third time.  I have often thought "You have my chart - can you read??"  If you are at a teaching hospital, this inconvenient practice will come up often. Just think, you are helping shape future doctors...and it unavoidable.


-If you don't feel comfortable with a resident or med student doing a procedure, SPEAK UP.  You have the right to being treated by a professional.  I can recall the last epidural that I had for my herniated discs a few years ago.  I had had this procedure done by my physician twice before, with very short lived results, so when I was asked if I wanted it again, I said sure, why not.  A student came in to do it with whom I didn't feel comfortable at all, but was scared to speak up as I didn't want to offend this person.  The injection was supposedly done correctly, but I immediately had excruciating pain, my blood pressure dropped down to 60/40 and I immediately regretted the decision.  I lay on the gurney for over an hour and was finally released when my blood pressure rose to 90/60, but the pain lasted a long time.  So speak up!  Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.


-Get a second opinion if you feel one is warranted.  Sometimes, as patients, we feel that we have to trust our doctor, but at times, your gut tells you that you are not happy with what you are hearing. GET A SECOND OPINION!  Your doctor won't be offended - and if they are, then they have something to hide.


I know there are things I haven't thought of, but feel free to add to the list.

Miscarriage and the Catholic Church

Hello Friends,
I got a link from a newsletter to a page which hosts a blog by Fr. Frank Pavone and he so beautifully wrote about miscarriage and what it really means.  His words really resonated with me, especially the following excerpts:


"...here is one fundamental truth that needs to stay front and center: a miscarriage is the loss of a child who is just as real and has just as much value as any other child of any age. A woman who has a miscarriage is a parent who has lost a child, as is the father of the child as well.


In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child,” and that is precisely what hurts so much. We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real."


"...The naming of these children who have died is one significant way of acknowledging their reality. The counting of these children matters too, so that if a parent is asked how many children he/she has, the child who died before birth is counted as one of them."


" The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows."


You can read the entire entry here.  I had made a comment, but there is an "internal error" and I can't post my comment there, so here it is:
Thank you for your kind words and acknowledgement of our children.  It is rare that we are acknowledged as parents or receive expressions of sympathy or compassion.  We named our child and had a memorial service, but I wish that our parishes would mention and acknowledge us as parents - this past Mother's Day, our parish priest expressed well wishes to all mothers in church, those who were not able to join us and those who had passed on, yet he neglected to even acknowledge those mothers without living children.  Perhaps a special day sanctioned by the church to pray for all those children who were born in heaven would be nice.


I know that this is how I feel - that we are all parents and that our children count. I know that if we ever have another child, I will definitely correct folks when they assume that it's our first - it's not.  Also, with Father's Day coming, I found a really nice card for Freddie from our Angel- it start with something along the lines of "Dear Dad, although we're far apart and can't be together on this day, I want you to know that you are the best dad possible"...or something along that vein.


It's nice to see our children acknowledged, perhaps this is a move in the right direction!

News, news and news...not THAT type of news :-)

Hello my dear friends,
I'm so sorry to have fallen behind in posting...again.  I seem to have trouble finding the time to sit and write when the weather is good and I'm trying to enjoy the garden a little and somehow lately things have gotten pretty busy and I can barely get the rest that I so desperately need.


I know, I know...Jo-get to the point of the news!  Well, our first Clomid cycle was unsuccessful, but in all fairness, right at ovulation, Freddie had a cold and was feeling pretty crappy.  He was a very obliging husband, but I kept teasing him that our child would be a sniffling weeny.  I didn't need to worry, as our first cycle was a bust.  As I mentioned before, we were offered free monitoring by our new fertility clinic, so we decided to take them up on it.


This month, I went in to have blood drawn on day 4 of my cycle.  I have to confess that since the miscarriage, I'm not sure if it's because I get my blood drawn so often, but it seems that my veins have collapsed.  Whenever I had blood taken, the nurse could easily find a vein or two on either arm and it didn't hurt.  Now, I've had several times when they 'dig' around in there trying to grab a vein or can only find one vein in one arm - same vein and arm each time.  And it really HURTS now...but I digress...so I went back on Day 11 for bloodwork and an ultrasound.  I was shown around the rest of the treatment rooms at the clinic and it was really nice, clean and had a spa-feel to it.  The ultrasound room was a deep burgundy and the lights were dimmed low.  The tech was a female who readily showed me my follicles on a large scale TV hanging on the wall.  The good news is that I had one follicle that measured 26mm in my left ovary, along with a few more around the 8mm mark.  My right ovary had 3 size 10mm follicles.  So I went home and didn't think much more of it.  On Day 12 I wend in for my bloodwork and was told that I was going to ovulate early as they look for follicles that are 20mm or larger and I was already at 26mm.  In order to ensure that the follicle was released I got an injection of Ovidrel [r-hCG] and had bloowork done.  I was also given progesterone suppositories in case we were successful in getting pregnant, in light of the loss of our first angel.  I had read that some of you have had to argue or fight to get this med and I was relieved that it was readily made available to me.  That night, we had a message that I didn't need the Ovidrel as I had already ovulated, but I had gotten the injection already.


So since all systems were a go, the weekend was pretty busy.  I'm hoping that perhaps we'll get lucky this time...maybe...finally!  I am starting to get a swollen abdomen, but the same thing happened last month from the Clomid.  My breasts are tender, but again, I had that last month.  I've had a feeling and a dream of a baby or two...so I'm trying to keep my spirits up and be optimistic, although I freely admit that I'm a glass half-empty and Freddie is the glass half-full guy.


On a side note, does anyone watch the Little Couple?  In case you don't, the protagonists, are trying to have a baby via gestational surrogate.  First, they are trying to produce an egg or two to be fertilized, so that the baby would be genetically related to both of them. Anyway, Jennifer had some trouble ovulating and producing eggs.  I guess they finally saw two large follicles on the screen and so they went to the clinic for the extraction.  At the clinic, they only saw one follicle but decided to go ahead anyway - they got into the treatment room within 20 minutes...and the follicle was gone.  I bawled like a baby...I knew what this meant to Jennifer and every other woman dealing with fertility problems.


Anyway, here's to hoping for good news!