Thursday, April 12, 2012
She's here :-)
Hello Dear Friends,
I've been absent for a little while - for a very good reason: our little girl arrived on March 29th, after a difficult 36 hours of back labour. We were in the NICU for a week and just got home a week ago and are settling in...slowly. I'll write more when I get the chance... but just wanted to share our good news for now.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Happy 1st Birthday Sammy!!!
My dear sweet Sammy,
Another year has gone by and we miss you more than ever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for you or think about you. I know that you asked our good Lord for a baby sibling so that we wouldn't be here alone, without you. So THANK YOU my sweet angel... but I still wish so much that you were here, on earth, with us. The little bear you see at the side here was sent to us by Angel Whispers and we have kept it as a memento of you - it sits by the candle that we light each night and think of you up in heaven. The last few nights, the stars have been so bright and I often see one prominent star 'peeking' into our window and looking down on me - I can't help but wonder if that is a small message for us from heaven?Last night, just a few minutes short of midnight, the candle started to flicker and it died almost right at midnight. It's strange how the wick just happened to end at that particular date and time. I figured it was fitting that we light a brand new candle for you this evening - I've selected a burgundy candle for you that has an apple cinnamon smell - we'll be lighting it for you tonight.
I often think and wonder how big you would be, would you be walking/crawling? How many baby teeth would you have by now? Would you be excited at the prospect of a new baby brother or sister? Or are you excited about this new baby up in heaven? I must admit that sometimes I worry that you might be a little jealous that your baby sibling will hopefully get to stay with us, while you are so far away - I hope and pray that isn't the case. You know, our sweet babe, how much we love and miss you and how much we wish that you could be here with us. I miss seeing your gorgeous blue eyes [and that is the only thing I can be sure of based on simple biology] and knowing your sweet baby smell. How I wish that you could have kept us up for hours, or how much we could have heard your voice if even for a moment, or a second to simply hold you... I've prayed for a glimpse of you in my dreams, and even thought I sometimes dream of you, I've never seen your face. Even that one night, months ago, where I woke up to see a fuzzy, light image floating at the foot of the bed for a moment - but I didn't see YOU. Even though there is a new baby coming so very soon, you are always in our thoughts and our hearts. Your baby brother/sister will know all about you and you will not be forgotten, my sweet child. That is why I made a point of including you in our maternity photos and hope to always have you in our family portraits as well. Even though you are not here, Sammy, you are a very special part of our family.It's so hard for me to believe that we were expecting you two years ago! In some ways, it seems that we lost you so long ago, and at other times it seems that it was just yesterday. There are days when I can think of you and smile, but then there are days when I think of you and cry. It pains me to even think that some people don't believe you were real... we have a constant reminder of you living right next door to us - another little boy who was born a day after you, and who I know would have been a great playmate of yours. I can't help but see you, whenever I see him... and I haven't even seen his face as I hide whenever I see his mom or dad coming, as the tears are always there as I wish you were here and not so far away.
Lent is always such a sad time for us now, much sadder than it was ever before. Last year, your birthday fell on a gloomy and rainy day, which matched our mood perfectly. This year, it is sunny and warm out, almost as if the weather was telling us that the darkness and gloom of last year has passed and that happy and sunny days are ahead - we hope so. Daddy and I play on going for a walk later and I'm sure we'll be talking and thinking of you!
If I were to think of a 'silver lining' to all of this, it is the fact that I've 'met' so many wonderful women who also share my grief, either through their blogs or through the Bible Study I did. I'm honored and humbled to know that you will be remembered by these wonderful ladies, and I hope that you enjoy playing with their sweet babies in heaven. I know that you are in the good hands of God and His angels, as well our relatives, including your grandpa, your great-grandparents, great aunts and uncles...so many people who love you up there! Just know that there are also people who love you right here!Sending you hugs and kisses my sweet baby and Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
We're almost there!
It's so hard for me to believe that we are now in our 37th week with Thumper! This entire pregnancy has seemingly flown by and I'm sad to see it coming to an end. I love our 'down time' in the evening, when I finally put my swollen feet up, and Thumper moves around like crazy. I love that feeling of the baby moving, but I wish that Freddie could experience it as well.
At today's OB appointment, my bp continues to be good. 118/74 with a heartbeat of 84 for me, and 150-170 for Thumper, which the OB called 'perfect' - which was frankly music to my ears! I've had no bleeding, no braxton hicks [unless you count a bit of cramping] and nothing out of the ordinary. About 2 weeks ago, I started suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which I had no idea was part of pregnancy. My hands are so swollen that I can't sleep at night due to the pain, I can't bend my fingers which makes holding a toothbrush comical and I can't even open up my pill bottles. My feet are also starting to swell up now and my shoes are constantly tight despite being slip ons.
Life continues unchanged. I've applied for our federal maternity leave program and am waiting to hear if I will be approved. IF I am approved, then my work is willing to top up the payments for 3 months, so that would be a huge help. Freddie continues to be unemployed, despite scouring every nook and cranny for possible jobs. It's just a bad time here and not much is even being posted. My disability status is unchanged and I pray each night that things will get better.
March is turning out to be a month full of emotion. Freddie's birthday is on the 13th. Sammy's birthday would have been on the 10th, and this rainbow is due to arrive on the 25th. It's so hard for me to imagine what my life might have looked like if Sammy was here with us - we'd have a one year old running around, getting excited at the prospect of a little brother or sister. A few days ago, Freddie was chatting with our neighbour, who you might recall had a baby due around the same time as Sammy [and whom I've been avoiding like the plague for over a year now], well, anyway, she mentioned to Freddie that her little boy will be turning one on Sunday, the 11th. Only one day after Sammy's due date. I'm happy for them, but I still can't help but question why them and not us? Why will they get to have a family party to celebrate their son, and we will celebrate in silence as noone in our family remembers the importance of these dates. As each year passes, I feel sadder and sadder that Sammy isn't growing up with us here.
Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us a crib and others came through with other used items. I found some decent bedding on clearance at Winners and bought that for the freshly painted room that Freddie had done. Now, as I sit in the nursery, I wish that Sammy could have seen it, could have slept in that crib if only for one night. I plan on creating a few crafts to honour Sammy and have them up in the nursery, and we may find a way to honour Sammy via a middle name for Thumper. I'm just determined that despite the entire world forgetting about Sammy, that our family won't. That our future child/ren will remember that they have an older sibling and that Sammy's memory will live on.
Maybe that is why I still have trouble believing that Thumper will really be here. Most of my friends can't understand why I feel this way, but I'm not naive anymore - I know that things can still go wrong at this point and that there is never a guarantee that we'll get to take Thumper home with us. People keep saying "Boy, you must be so excited", but the honest truth is that I'm not. I simply won't believe it until I hold this child in my arms and know that we will take him/her home with us.
So as you can see, I have days when I feel a bit better, then days that are a fair bit worse. I still feel the weight of the world, but seeing the sunshine outside helps a lot. Then Sammy's absence casts a dark cloud over my day... but I expect that it will always be this way. I do ask for your prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - Thank you!
At today's OB appointment, my bp continues to be good. 118/74 with a heartbeat of 84 for me, and 150-170 for Thumper, which the OB called 'perfect' - which was frankly music to my ears! I've had no bleeding, no braxton hicks [unless you count a bit of cramping] and nothing out of the ordinary. About 2 weeks ago, I started suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which I had no idea was part of pregnancy. My hands are so swollen that I can't sleep at night due to the pain, I can't bend my fingers which makes holding a toothbrush comical and I can't even open up my pill bottles. My feet are also starting to swell up now and my shoes are constantly tight despite being slip ons.
Life continues unchanged. I've applied for our federal maternity leave program and am waiting to hear if I will be approved. IF I am approved, then my work is willing to top up the payments for 3 months, so that would be a huge help. Freddie continues to be unemployed, despite scouring every nook and cranny for possible jobs. It's just a bad time here and not much is even being posted. My disability status is unchanged and I pray each night that things will get better.
March is turning out to be a month full of emotion. Freddie's birthday is on the 13th. Sammy's birthday would have been on the 10th, and this rainbow is due to arrive on the 25th. It's so hard for me to imagine what my life might have looked like if Sammy was here with us - we'd have a one year old running around, getting excited at the prospect of a little brother or sister. A few days ago, Freddie was chatting with our neighbour, who you might recall had a baby due around the same time as Sammy [and whom I've been avoiding like the plague for over a year now], well, anyway, she mentioned to Freddie that her little boy will be turning one on Sunday, the 11th. Only one day after Sammy's due date. I'm happy for them, but I still can't help but question why them and not us? Why will they get to have a family party to celebrate their son, and we will celebrate in silence as noone in our family remembers the importance of these dates. As each year passes, I feel sadder and sadder that Sammy isn't growing up with us here.
Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us a crib and others came through with other used items. I found some decent bedding on clearance at Winners and bought that for the freshly painted room that Freddie had done. Now, as I sit in the nursery, I wish that Sammy could have seen it, could have slept in that crib if only for one night. I plan on creating a few crafts to honour Sammy and have them up in the nursery, and we may find a way to honour Sammy via a middle name for Thumper. I'm just determined that despite the entire world forgetting about Sammy, that our family won't. That our future child/ren will remember that they have an older sibling and that Sammy's memory will live on.
Maybe that is why I still have trouble believing that Thumper will really be here. Most of my friends can't understand why I feel this way, but I'm not naive anymore - I know that things can still go wrong at this point and that there is never a guarantee that we'll get to take Thumper home with us. People keep saying "Boy, you must be so excited", but the honest truth is that I'm not. I simply won't believe it until I hold this child in my arms and know that we will take him/her home with us.
So as you can see, I have days when I feel a bit better, then days that are a fair bit worse. I still feel the weight of the world, but seeing the sunshine outside helps a lot. Then Sammy's absence casts a dark cloud over my day... but I expect that it will always be this way. I do ask for your prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - Thank you!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A new year, a new set of problems...
A new year typically signifies hope for better things to come, for times of joy and happiness, looking forward to spring and happy times. For us, sadly, the New Year has come in with a BANG, and not the good kind.
Last week, Freddie was thanked for his services at his job and terminated. Just like that. No reason, no warning, nothing. In fact, he was told what a great employee he was, how much they liked him, blah, blah, blah...and then goodbye. Needless to say this was shocking to both of us, and now that the 'dust has settled', we are dealing with the fallout of all this. For me, I was livid and angry with his employer, as they are a small, family owned company which purports to care so much about their employees. In fact, we had received some hand-made receiving blankets from the owner and his wife a few months ago when they learned we were expecting - and the Christmas bonus, which I'm sure everyone received, was a pleasant surprise too. So now, for them to terminate Freddie when they know he had booked vacation in 8 weeks for the birth of our child, is absolutely heartless. This isn't purely driven by finances, which they claim is the main reason, as they just moved to a brand new building that they had custom built for their needs - so its hard to reconcile what they say with what they do.
On the bright side, I'm happy to have Freddie at home to help me more, as I definitely need it! It's also nice to see him get some well-deserved rest before 'Thumper' arrives, as I do tend to wake him up multiple times as I struggle to sleep. And clearly, I'm happy to have him home and able to bond with our new baby in those first few days and weeks, as I was feeling a little guilty that he wouldn't be able to see all the 'firsts' that happen in that initial period - but I never wanted it to be like this.
Now, on the flip side, he had moved to this job from another position, so he had been there for less than a year, which means almost no severance [it's pretty minuscule]. This is clearly going to be a problem in terms of finances, with a baby on the way - there are always things to buy, despite buying used all along! And to top it off, my disability insurer is suspending my claim for disability and forcing me to go on our federal maternity leave, which only pays 55% of our wages, and has a weekly cap too. So my disability pay, which covered 70% of my normal pay, will drop to 55% once 'Thumper' is born...it's not going to be easy with both of us earning 55% of our salaries. My employer does have a top up program, but they are now determining if I would even qualify. I really hope that I do, as I feel I gave them almost 12 years of my life, pulling 80 hour work weeks and asking for nothing in return, so I would hate to be penalized and excluded from this supplementary funding just because I got sick, which we only get for 4 months anyway, but at this time, every little bit helps! We're good with money, so we are not flat broke and have some savings, but it's hard to know how long it will take to find replacement income, especially as we in an 'economically depressed' area, so I do fear that our savings will run out...
I guess it just angers me that, that we both have done the 'right' things all along. We both have university degrees, we have both worked hard at our careers, we have both sacrificed a lot for our employers, we have played by the rules and never strayed...this should have a predictable and stable outcome, but it doesn't. It angers me that some lazy co-workers who don't do much but kiss butt all day are promoted or kept employed, while good employees are terminated. I'm frustrated by the lack of fairness in this - and yes, I know life isn't fair. I know that there are good times and bad, but lately it just seems like we've had more bad than good. Things were wonderful, we got married and actually got to enjoy being DINKS and having some disposable income. We paid off the wedding, neither one of us had student loans as we had multiple part time jobs each and took care of that prior to graduation, and we were planning out our futures. Then, I got sick, I had to leave work and take disability leave. A glimmer of hope came with our first pregnancy and then the heartbreak as our child slipped away. Months of grief and heartache were compounded by Freddie's job which involved a lot of travel and took him all over the US, probably accounting for 40% of the time. Another glimmer of stability when he changed jobs for less travel and closer to home - only to be terminated weeks before the birth of our first take-home baby, God willing. With this baby, I thought things were getting better, but the stress and worry of an uncertain future is frustrating.
Oddly, I'm not panicking...yet. I pray a lot, I look for the positive, and I know we'll make it through this. Life is cyclical and sometimes you're on top riding the wave, and at other times you're below the water gasping for air - that's where we are, again...but we have to start climbing the wave crest soon. This isn't the way I had wanted things to be, but this wasn't our choice. With God's help, we'll make it through - we have to!
Last week, Freddie was thanked for his services at his job and terminated. Just like that. No reason, no warning, nothing. In fact, he was told what a great employee he was, how much they liked him, blah, blah, blah...and then goodbye. Needless to say this was shocking to both of us, and now that the 'dust has settled', we are dealing with the fallout of all this. For me, I was livid and angry with his employer, as they are a small, family owned company which purports to care so much about their employees. In fact, we had received some hand-made receiving blankets from the owner and his wife a few months ago when they learned we were expecting - and the Christmas bonus, which I'm sure everyone received, was a pleasant surprise too. So now, for them to terminate Freddie when they know he had booked vacation in 8 weeks for the birth of our child, is absolutely heartless. This isn't purely driven by finances, which they claim is the main reason, as they just moved to a brand new building that they had custom built for their needs - so its hard to reconcile what they say with what they do.
On the bright side, I'm happy to have Freddie at home to help me more, as I definitely need it! It's also nice to see him get some well-deserved rest before 'Thumper' arrives, as I do tend to wake him up multiple times as I struggle to sleep. And clearly, I'm happy to have him home and able to bond with our new baby in those first few days and weeks, as I was feeling a little guilty that he wouldn't be able to see all the 'firsts' that happen in that initial period - but I never wanted it to be like this.
Now, on the flip side, he had moved to this job from another position, so he had been there for less than a year, which means almost no severance [it's pretty minuscule]. This is clearly going to be a problem in terms of finances, with a baby on the way - there are always things to buy, despite buying used all along! And to top it off, my disability insurer is suspending my claim for disability and forcing me to go on our federal maternity leave, which only pays 55% of our wages, and has a weekly cap too. So my disability pay, which covered 70% of my normal pay, will drop to 55% once 'Thumper' is born...it's not going to be easy with both of us earning 55% of our salaries. My employer does have a top up program, but they are now determining if I would even qualify. I really hope that I do, as I feel I gave them almost 12 years of my life, pulling 80 hour work weeks and asking for nothing in return, so I would hate to be penalized and excluded from this supplementary funding just because I got sick, which we only get for 4 months anyway, but at this time, every little bit helps! We're good with money, so we are not flat broke and have some savings, but it's hard to know how long it will take to find replacement income, especially as we in an 'economically depressed' area, so I do fear that our savings will run out...
I guess it just angers me that, that we both have done the 'right' things all along. We both have university degrees, we have both worked hard at our careers, we have both sacrificed a lot for our employers, we have played by the rules and never strayed...this should have a predictable and stable outcome, but it doesn't. It angers me that some lazy co-workers who don't do much but kiss butt all day are promoted or kept employed, while good employees are terminated. I'm frustrated by the lack of fairness in this - and yes, I know life isn't fair. I know that there are good times and bad, but lately it just seems like we've had more bad than good. Things were wonderful, we got married and actually got to enjoy being DINKS and having some disposable income. We paid off the wedding, neither one of us had student loans as we had multiple part time jobs each and took care of that prior to graduation, and we were planning out our futures. Then, I got sick, I had to leave work and take disability leave. A glimmer of hope came with our first pregnancy and then the heartbreak as our child slipped away. Months of grief and heartache were compounded by Freddie's job which involved a lot of travel and took him all over the US, probably accounting for 40% of the time. Another glimmer of stability when he changed jobs for less travel and closer to home - only to be terminated weeks before the birth of our first take-home baby, God willing. With this baby, I thought things were getting better, but the stress and worry of an uncertain future is frustrating.
Oddly, I'm not panicking...yet. I pray a lot, I look for the positive, and I know we'll make it through this. Life is cyclical and sometimes you're on top riding the wave, and at other times you're below the water gasping for air - that's where we are, again...but we have to start climbing the wave crest soon. This isn't the way I had wanted things to be, but this wasn't our choice. With God's help, we'll make it through - we have to!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Back online for 2012
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!
I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...
Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
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I hate to even say this, and I don't know quite how, so I'll put it right out there - our intimacy has greatly suffered throughout this pregnancy. Once we found out we were expecting, we were both a little hesitant, but once we were into the second trimester, I initiated things a few times and he seemed to act like he was doing me a favour by obliging. Prior to getting pregnant, our intimacy was always with a 'purpose', as I would announce that it was a good day or it was time. It got to a point where I don't think either of us really enjoyed our private time and quickies were the norm. Now, it seems that we can't get back to being together for ourselves. All the pregnancy books say that I should be having the best sex of my life while pregnant, but that isn't the case. I realize that Freddie is concerned about hurting me or the baby - I get that. But I just feel so rejected! I mean I put on a nice nighty and try to initiate and I get turned down flat. I know I'm big. I know I'm not that attractive right now, but I never felt that way, till now. I just worry that things may stay this way and that somehow we have lost ourselves in this entire process. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some starved crazy woman, but I do miss and crave the intimacy that I shared with my husband. I know he's worried about hurting the baby, I know he doesn't mean for me to feel so rejected - but I do. I promised myself that I wouldn't push or pressure him, but again, like a fool, I slipped into a fancy bra and panties last night as we slipped into bed to watch TV. He noticed, even commented that it was nice, then fell asleep. I ended up rolling over and crying a bit - I'm trying to be understanding, but between feeling disconnected with my family this Christmas, I'm feeling disconnected with him. I worry that he sees me as a lazy-a** who just sits at home not doing much, gaining pound after pound and turning into a slob. Oddly, I LOVE being pregnant. I love my big belly. I love every curve and stretch mark - but I have to face the facts that he clearly doesn't feel that same passion for this new body as I do. But that's it - I'm officially done. I can't take any more tearful nights or any more rejection. I've decided I'm not making a move - ever. If he wants to connect after the baby comes, it will be upto him...I just worry that this stance might make us start down a road where our future might include a marriage therapist or worse....oh, forgive me, I think this is just the rantings and insecurities of a pregnant woman...
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This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
************************************************
***************************************************************
This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
Back online for 2012
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!
I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, my baby wasn't here...
Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
************************************************
I hate to even say this, and I don't know quite how, so I'll put it right out there - our intimacy has greatly suffered throughout this pregnancy. Once we found out we were expecting, we were both a little hesitant, but once we were into the second trimester, I initiated things a few times and he seemed to act like he was doing me a favour by obliging. Prior to getting pregnant, our intimacy was always with a 'purpose', as I would announce that it was a good day or it was time. It got to a point where I don't think either of us really enjoyed our private time and quickies were the norm. Now, it seems that we can't get back to being together for ourselves. All the pregnancy books say that I should be having the best sex of my life while pregnant, but that isn't the case. I realize that Freddie is concerned about hurting me or the baby - I get that. But I just feel so rejected! I mean I put on a nice nighty and try to initiate and I get turned down flat. I know I'm big. I know I'm not that attractive right now, but I never felt that way, till now. I just worry that things may stay this way and that somehow we have lost ourselves in this entire process. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some starved crazy woman, but I do miss and crave the intimacy that I shared with my husband. I know he's worried about hurting the baby, I know he doesn't mean for me to feel so rejected - but I do. I promised myself that I wouldn't push or pressure him, but again, like a fool, I slipped into a fancy bra and panties last night as we slipped into bed to watch TV. He noticed, even commented that it was nice, then fell asleep. I ended up rolling over and crying a bit - I'm trying to be understanding, but between feeling disconnected with my family this Christmas, I'm feeling disconnected with him. I worry that he sees me as a lazy-a** who just sits at home not doing much, gaining pound after pound and turning into a slob. Oddly, I LOVE being pregnant. I love my big belly. I love every curve and stretch mark - but I have to face the facts that he clearly doesn't feel that same passion for this new body as I do. But that's it - I'm officially done. I can't take any more tearful nights or any more rejection. I've decided I'm not making a move - ever. If he wants to connect after the baby comes, it will be upto him...I just worry that this stance might make start us down a road where our future might include a marriage therapist....oh, forgive me, I think this is just the rantings and insecurities of a pregnant woman...
***************************************************************
This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, my baby wasn't here...Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
************************************************
***************************************************************
This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas!
Wishing each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas!
May the birth of our Lord fill each of us with love and joy, and a deep knowledge that all our children are spending Christmas with Jesus in heaven. Although we miss them terribly and wish they were here with us, know that they are being taken care of by our Father and allow love, joy and peace to enter your heart and reside there this Christmas and throughout 2012.
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