The results are IN!!

So sorry to leave you girls hanging - it has just been a whirlwind the last few weeks.  Many of you have been asking what happened, so let me start where I last left off....here goes.


The last time I posted, I was going to test in 3 days, but you know how impatient I am, so by Sunday I did a test - I mean I bought 100 tests for $5 on ebay, so how could I resist?

So I took the test in the morning when I got up to pee and went back to bed.  When I got up two hours later, I could see a very faint second line.  If you look at the photo, you might not even see it!  I got Freddie and he assured me that he could also see it.  I referred to the last time I could see a faint line and Freddie finally confessed that he didn't see anything that time but just wanted to make me feel better.  This time, he did see the faintest of lines, but you know how your mind tries to protect the heart - maybe it's an evaporation line, maybe it's a weird artifact caused by sitting in the sun, maybe, maybe, maybe.  We decided to test again the next day an see IF it gets darker.  I have to confess that I couldn't help but hope that it would, but I knew I'd be totally crushed if it didn't get darker.


So Monday morning came and it was hard. I mean I had to pee at midnight but I refused to go as I knew I had to 'save' my urine till morning. I don't know how I did it, but I stayed in bed till 5am.  I finally got up and did a test - another faint line.  I thought, maybe it's the test??  So I did a second test - still a faint line.

It hadn't gotten any darker.  It was still definitely there, but so very faint.  I had been praying for it to get darker, and it wasn't.  It was hard to do nothing, but we decided to wait till tomorrow, again, hoping that on Tuesday the line would be darker than the control...my hcg should be rising, right???

 So Tuesday morning, I got up with some trepidation as I pulled another test out.  Went through the same routine, only to get yet another faint line.  I did what anyone would do - I did another test.  As you can see, maybe if you squint the line seems a tad darker, but still very faint.  Freddie suggested I go to the clinic and get blood work done, but I was starting to get worried that my hcg's weren't rising properly and perhaps that was why the second line was so faint.  I don't think I could deal with another loss - I mean I'm still mourning our first baby.  Why else would the line still be so faint? I kept thinking about it all day - could it be the test?  I know $5 doesn't buy much, but I used the cheap ovulation strips and the second line did get almost as dark as the control, so the same thing should happen here.  Is it really low hcg numbers?  I know these tests have a sensitivity of 25uL, but my levels should be rising more than that...and the thoughts continued, followed by fear, hope, worry, excitement, grief, joy, loss and so on.  The teeter-totter went like this all day.  Even thought I knew things could end badly, I couldn't help but hope more and more each day for a miracle.  I was so scared that when the bad news came I would fall so hard...


By Wednesday morning I was dreading yet another pregnancy test.  I went through the motions, barely glancing at it.  I knew it would be another faint line...and I was right, yet another faint line.  Freddie came into the bathroom and looked at the strip, and being that always positive, glass-half-full kind of guy, he pointed out that the line WAS there.  Maybe it just didn't get any darker?  He again suggested that I go to the clinic for blood work, but I hesitated - the fear had gripped me again.  I then remembered that I had one last ClearBlue test left over from last summer when I was pregnant. I had no idea if it was expired or not, but I gave it a go....
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                                                                      \/


...and I was so relieved to see this....

 Yup, that is a PLUS sign - knowing that I am indeed pregnant made me smile and the fear dropped off.  I decided to get dressed and head over to our fertility clinic and get my blood work done - and start praying for a good number.


I got to the clinic later that morning and had my blood drawn.  I also spoke at length with the head nurse, as I had some questions and I also wanted to know what I could do to prevent the possibility of another miscarriage.  The nurse was great - he gave me a prescription to continue taking progesterone suppositories until the end of the first trimester and I am to start taking low dose aspirin during the first trimester as well.  He explained that there is no way to know where either of these will help prevent a miscarriage, but they certainly wouldn't hurt.  We also talked about my irrational fear of driving, as we are thinking of doing a road trip to Washington and I was concerned about driving for 9 hours - I know, I know, that is a totally irrational fear, but I started miscarrying last summer when we were coming home from a family reunion that was only two hours away.  He was also very frank that if there is anything wrong or if they feel the numbers may be a little low, they won't beat around the bush but will simply tell me - it won't be done in a hurtful way, but it will be honest and I really appreciated that.  Last year, our first hcg numbers were supposedly 'a little low' but the doctor had assured us that quite often they rise more, even if it is a little later and he assured us that all was well - but now looking back, he never followed up with further blood work at regular intervals and I feel upset with him as I think he may have known that a miscarriage could be coming and not only did he not let us know, but also didn't do anything to try and stop it - so I was happy to hear that honesty it top priority at this clinic.


That afternoon, the clinic called and said that my hcg's were at 303.  Much higher than I had anticipated for 16dpo.  I went back on Friday and the fear was back, as I knew that they were looking for at least a 60% increase, so I knew that they needed to be at least 484.  In the afternoon, Freddie called me in the car to let me know that the clinic had called and our numbers were 649!  YEY!!!  They had more than doubled!!  Whew, what a total relief.


We talked about it, and we decided that this time we were going to tell everyone right away.  Last time, we only shared our joy with our parents, and when our baby died we did not get any sympathy, care or concern, and that really stung and still hurts today.  By not sharing our news, we only protect others at our own expense, so really, why would we keep this to ourselves until the second trimester?


A few days ago, we shared the news with my mom.  I gave her a card announcing our pregnancy and our tentative due date of March 25th - she was happy, but within 30 seconds she was worried and begging me not to take the drive to Washington - clearly, she was worried about the drive as well.  I explained to her that I had checked with the nurse at the clinic and driving won't cause a miscarriage - her reply was "OK, but I'll be praying the whole time".


The next day, it was clear that my mom had me freaked out about the trip and I was second guessing myself.  I posted the driving question on a few forums and got the same reassurance that it was ok.  I emailed a good friend of mine who just gave birth to her second daughter, she also has 3 angels in heaven and happens to be a physician - she also told me to go and have fun.  I then went back to my clinic for another blood test to get some reassurance that all was going well - and on the 22dpo, my levels were at 3060!  So they are more than doubling and looking really well!!!  So we decided to drive to Washington DC over two days, doing 5 hours on day 1 and 4 hours on day 2.  We'll stop every hour to walk around, stretch and take a pee break.  Honestly, I'll probably sleep the drive away while Freddie drives.  But just to be sure, I'll probably go for another blood test tomorrow just before we go.  It's really great that our new clinic lets me come whenever I feel like it and they also oblige and do blood work, which is covered by our provincial health plan.


Last night, it was Freddie's mom's birthday and we went out to dinner with the entire family.  I had ordered Escalope of Beef as my main dish, which is supposed to be a fairly thinly pounded steak.  What arrived was a steak about the thickness of a thicker burger, dripping with blood and barely pink.  I felt like such a heel, but I had to send it back to be cooked more.  It was a pretty fancy restaurant and I'm sure the chef wasn't impressed with me, but our baby's safety is top priority!  So when it was time for the gifts, my MIL opened up the card where we had written 'With Love from Freddie, Joanna and *****'s little sister or brother - arriving March 25th!'.  At first she read the card, her smile melted when she saw the mention of our angel, and when she kept reading this look of shock fell on her face.  She looked at me, looked at Freddie and started to cry - that of course got me crying, then Freddie's niece.  Everyone else was shocked and had no idea what was going on.  So she read the card out loud and the room erupted with applause.  The best part is that I was videotaping it and got the entire thing on tape for posterity.  At the end of the night, everyone congratulated us and wished us a better outcome than last time - which was nice, as we are hoping for the same thing.  I'm sure that some of them were wondering why we would even share the news this early, but I really don't care what they think - we have our reasons.


So we are leaving tomorrow afternoon for DC.  I'm looking forward to getting away and relaxing a bit.  We haven't gone anywhere for 2 years, as I haven't been feeling great, so we're going to try this time.  I don't know if I'll be able to tolerate it, how far I'll walk or how I'll deal with the heat - as so far, every time I get up my head spins for a while, I used to get these before the pregnancy, but it seems to be worse now.  We'll see how we manage - Freddie knows of my limitations and this will be a litmus test for future travel.  In general, I feel well so far.  I do have some cramping 'down there' and abdominal cramps sometimes.  I have no morning sickness and I hope that continues - I've been doing acupuncture for the nasty nausea and vomiting I would get from my meds and I hope that perhaps that will curb the morning sickness, as last time I had morning sickness combined with my med-induced nausea and there were days I felt simply horrific and I lost 10lbs in the first few weeks of pregnancy.


When we return, we have an ultrasound scheduled for August 15th, which is the one-year anniversary of our angel's passing.  We didn't choose this date - this is the date that was assigned to us.  I'm actually encouraged - it's almost like a sign from God telling us that a date that would always be associated with death, loss and heartache, will now have a bit of happiness and joy associated with it.


Ladies, please keep me in your prayers, asking the good Lord to watch over us and keep us safe till delivery. I know our families will be praying for us, and I'm taking my rosary on the car ride and will be praying to our mother, Mary, but I'm asking everyone I know to keep us in their prayers.


Sending you all big hugs,

3 days till test

Hello, long time no read...


I just haven't felt very inspired to write as not much is going on.  I haven't even journalled in almost a month, but I thought I'd do a little update today, finally.


So, we are finishing off our third Clomid cycle.  In fact, I get to test on Monday and I'm hoping for some good news finally!!!  As you might recall, I'm being monitored at our clinic via daily bloodwork and ultrasounds every two days. This cycle seemed to go pretty well.  A week before we started this cycle, my pain meds were switched to ones that were 'fertility friendly' and were supposed to cause less problems with fertility, which is great.  The not so good news is that they don't offer the same level of pain relief as before, so I'm in more pain, but as long as I take it easy, don't overdo things and take lots of rest, it's manageable...and honestly, I figure this is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things if this could help us get pregnant.


Anyway, on day 10, I went in for an ultrasound and my lining was found to be 5.1mm, which is a little low as they like to see thickness of at least 6mm.  Last time it was my left ovary releasing eggs, so this time my right ovary had 3 visible follicles which measured 19, 17 and 16mm.  The reason I went in on day 10 was because last month I ovulated on day 12.  Due to the thinner lining in light of follicles that were almost ready prompted them to give me Estrace, an estrogen suppository which helps thicken the lining.  


So day 11 and 12 I did bloodwork.  Day 13, we did bloodwork and an ultrasound, which showed that my lining was now at 8mm, which is perfectly adequate, so I could stop the Estrace.  My right ovary showed 4 follicles, ranging in size as follows: 25, 20, 17 and 15mm.


Day 14 we did bloodwork again - I was alternating arms as my arms were sore and starting to get a little bruised and tender.  You know how they seem to take blood in the exact same spot as last time, so I had bruise on top of another bruise.  Day 15, we did bloodwork and an ultrasound that showed my right follicles were now at 28, 23, 18 and the last one might have been a 16, but they don't really worry about anything less than 18.  So I was really worried that I might not surge on my own and that my three great follicles might be reabsorbed back, so I took the Ovidrel syringe home, in case I had to take it.  Luckily, the call came later that day that my bloodwork had shown that I had surged overnight, so I was about to ovulate on either sunday or monday.  We timed everything correctly this time, with starting several days before the big O and a few days after.  Since then, I've been taking my progesterone suppositories and my prenatals as usual.


Our little kitty went missing a few days ago, so I've been busy worrying about her and putting up LOST posters.  We've also had a few other things going on, such as Freddie looking for a new car, good weather, some great yard work, which all means that I've had less time to obsess over whether I might or might not be pregnant.  I've had a few instances of smelling weird stuff which Freddie didn't notice.  I've been nauseous once, but that must have been due to the change in meds, as that wouldn't show up so early in a pregnancy.  I've got super weird dreams, but that could be the Estrace and/or Progesterone induced.  And lastly, my other cat has started using my belly as a bouncing off point to jump onto the couch back.  The reason this is strange is that she hasn't done this all year - the last time she jumped on my belly was when I was pregnant with our sweet angel, so maybe she knows something that I don't?


I haven't tested once yet, even though I probably could test on Sunday, so I've held off, for now :-)  I keep hoping that perhaps this IS it!  It would be fantastic, especially as the 1-year anniversary of the death of our child is coming up on Aug 15th, and I never thought that it would take this long for us to get back to that point.  Freddie keeps being optimistic, and I confess that I am too, as this cycle it at least seemed that everything lined up correctly - so please send some prayers to our good Lord for us...and that our kitty comes home :-(


We hope to take a week long vacation, the first one in two years, and we hope to drive to Washington and tour around.  I'll be honest that I worry how I'll be able to handle the trip, but I have to try.  Of course I've already thought about the ramifications of this trip if I were to be pregnant and I'm not sure how I feel about travelling that far [its a 9 hour drive] so early in the pregnancy...but so far, all this worry is simply a 'what if' situation right now.


3 days till I test...the countdown begins!

I'm feeling 'Off'

Hi folks,
I'm not even sure how to start off this post or what it will end up being about.  I have several thoughts swirling through my head and it's hard to predict which one will actually 'land' on this page...


I'm having a bad pain day today. We had done a few 'normal' things on the weekend and I think I'm now paying for them. It wasn't that much, really, but apparently enough to make today really difficult.  My back is stiff and hurts a lot - it's hard for me to get up from the couch and I was almost crying while cleaning the litter boxes today as it hurt so much.  I should take my new 'extra pain killer', but I don't want to be 'foggy' all day - it's sad that those are my choices.


On the weekend, we had gone to a housewarming  party for dear friends of ours who had renovated a century home.  We only stayed about 3 hours, but that was about 2 hours too long for me.  They had done an amazing job with the house, since their wedding in November, and it was refreshing to see a couple so full of joy and happiness about the future - it made me realize that I feel stuck where we currently are and I dare not dream of what our future might look like.  Actually, let me rephrase that - I'm scared to imagine what our future might look like.  While there, I of course had to deal with 2 pregnant bellies and a bevy of toddlers running around.  At one point we were talking with another friend who got married last year and is contemplating having kids.  I just nodded politely, but in my head I heard "Oh please...you're 40!  Maybe you should do more than just THINK about it...maybe you should book yourself at the closest fertility clinic as you have no inkling of what you are in for!!!"  Obviously I didn't say it, but I again recognized that I no longer had that same naivete, thinking that the moment we start trying it will happen...


On Sunday, we went to another dear friend's home for lunch.  This is a girlfriend that has been in my life since we were kids, so well over 30 years.  We used to talk a lot, but since she got married 18 years ago, I no longer have her to myself, I always have some package deal: either her and hubby, her/hubby/2 kids, her/2 kids, etc.  In the last 18 years, I think we have gone out, just the two of us, 3 times.  I often suggest that we grab a coffee and talk, but she always insists on bringing the kids or her husband along. I don't mind, but honestly, there are times when I'd like to share some issues that I don't feel are appropriate for younger ears.  So yesterday, her kids were clearly home and hung around us all the time.  Somehow, the conversation just wasn't 'gelling'.  I asked the kids about vacation and their plans, which were meant with the typical teenage 'I don't know'.  At one point the kids went downstairs and we had a real conversation, but that was killed pretty quickly when her brother and his girlfriend showed up and the talk changed to what they needed for their new house.  I felt like I had a permasmile on my face which was trying to mask my boredom and frustration.  I would have loved to talk to my friend about our infertility issues, or the things that I'm dealing with in my life, but not only did I not have a chance to talk to her, but it also seemed like our lives were literally worlds apart.


So I'm back to where I started, that I simply feel 'off', not really myself, unsettled, annoyed... maybe I'm just tired of vying for someone's attention, instead of having someone genuinely interested in me.  I guess there is a tinge of disappointment that my friends and family don't take an interest in what is happening with us and it is all this superficial 'contact'.  Oh, I don't know...I just feel off today....

La-la-la-di-da

From: Gertiecanker's Weblog

...in case you have any doubt, that is the Fat Lady singing. Yup, it's true, we've failed again.  I hate saying that: failure.  But that's the way I feel, like my body is failing me - and I'm not alone in this anymore.  Freddie also is feeling the failure and wondering if maybe the cold he had was the cause this time or the fact that he was exhausted that week.  We both are feeling like failures, like we can't achieve the simplest and most natural thing - have a baby.  


I realize that we are not alone in our 'unexplained infertility' journey, but it is frustrating as I'm constantly reminded of that commercial where the song talks about reproduction and the fact that birds do it, bees do it, even plants do it.  Everyone and everything...except us.


We are living in a world of tracking:  tracking my temp, tracking my blood hormones, tracking my follicles, tracking my uterine wall, tracking our intercourse, tracking, tracking, tracking... all with no effect.  For all the technology and knowledge, we still can't get pregnant.  I mean, I know, almost down to the hour when I ovulate, not that it makes a difference.


So today marks Day 3 of our third Clomid cycle.  We've decided to do another month on our own and then reevaluate things from there.  We are starting to lean towards trying IUI with our 4th Clomid cycle, as we are both aware that we only have 6 Clomid cycles before the jig is up.  We're both trying to keep our heads positive, but this has been a VERY trying weekend.


Father's Day was on Sunday and we both were pretty sure that we'd have something to celebrate this Father's Day.  I did a pregnancy test in the morning as I had hoped that I could include it in Freddie's card, but it was negative...again.  So I placed the Father's Day card on Freddie's pillow while he was in the shower.  When he opened the card, I was so shocked to see him break down, crumple into a ball and cry.  I wiped the huge, warm tears that were spilling down his face and my heart was breaking.  We held each other for a long time and both cried, thinking of our sweet baby.  I know that I had mentioned before that sometimes I felt alone in my grief and that it seemed that Freddie sometimes forgot - I don't believe that anymore.  I now realize that he feels the loss of our child and the same frustrations with this fertility situation as deeply as I do - he may just put on a much better face than I can ever muster.  Honestly, the reason that I got him the card was to make sure that he didn't feel forgotten on his first Father's Day...


The sense of loss and grief is so profound and it seems to hit me in various ways.  I find it hard to deal with friends or relatives who are expecting.  On the weekend, we drove by the rest stop where I discovered that I was spotting and eventually losing our child and it hit me that we had not driven by that location for 10 months now.  There are so very many 'what if's' running through my mind - what if our baby was here?  What if we hadn't done this or that?  What would our life be like if we had our baby with us?


Then to top it off, my father in law made a big deal of announcing to the whole family that his niece was expecting a baby in September.  The reason this was a shock is that she has been divorced from her husband for the last 3 years.  They have a gorgeous little boy who is about 6 and apparently now she wanted another child so desperately that her ex-husband obliged and she is now 2 months away from delivery.  You already know how I feel about a woman purposefully choosing to get pregnant and have a baby who is destined to grow up with one or possibly 2 single parents, but this is also the relative who hosted last year's family reunion to which we had driven for 2 hours and it was on the return trip that we realized that I was spotting and would lose our baby within the next 24 hours.  Logically I know the drive didn't cause our miscarriage, but there is that nagging 'what if we hadn't gone'?  I had contemplated offering to host this year's family reunion as I didn't think that I could make that same drive and sit at the same table where I had sat last year, pregnant, happy and full of optimism.  Now, knowing that there is a baby coming within weeks, I don't think I could host the reunion and have a heavily pregnant woman in my home - I realize that I may be over reacting here, but this is how I feel.  Getting back to the story, my father in law kept going on and on and on about this.  Freddie had his sunglasses on and I had to lower my shades as well as the tears were welling up.  After a good 5-7 minutes the conversation finally drifted to another topic.  I realize that my father in law is in his 70's and doesn't always think, but it didn't make it hurt any less.


So here we are, coming up on the one year anniversary of our baby's death and we are still dealing with meds, ultrasounds, blood work and no results.  I've prayed so hard and so much - Sunday night was the first time that I had a bit of anger at God.  I had trouble saying my evening prayers as I just kept thinking 'You could make this happen - you can make anything happen in my life.  I get the lesson - I know the value of children and family.  Why did we fail again???'  I did manage to Thank God for the blessings that I do have that night, but I won't say that it was easy.  I had no anger or rage at God after our baby's death, so this feeling of anger and frustration was a surprise to me.


If you have any words of encouragement or advice, I'd love to hear them.  I really feel like I'm about to lose my mind - I mean how long will I be dealing with all this?  How many more procedures will I endure?  How many more tears will I have to cry? Or is this God's way of saying 'save your breath, it ain't going to happen'?  I wish I knew that all this pain and suffering would be worth it in the end, but I'm so scared of going through all this and still coming out on the other end with empty arms...

Things are....

...mixed, very mixed.  I haven't posted too much lately as I don't know what to say.  I guess I should start with where we are in the TTC process.


As you know from my last post, we had a monitored cycle at our fertility clinic.  Since then, I've been tracking my BBT and was pretty excited that my temp has been fairly steadily sitting at around 98F, which is 'high' for me - but today I read that this is most likely caused by the progesterone suppositories that I'm taking.  So I feel a bit deflated by that today.

From: Stress and It's Effects on Women's Health

I'm confident that I ovulated on Day 12, Day 13 at the latest according to the bloodwork, and as today is Day 25, I can test on Day 27 which is Saturday.  But you know I already tested...twice!  You also know I tested negative both times and told myself it was too early.  I'm trying to be optimistic...trying, but it's like a see-saw, I'm up one minute and down the next.  


Today on my walk, and in the last few days, I've had a bit of abdominal cramping and I try to pray that it's implantation and pregnancy, but I'm well aware that it could also be Aunt Flo around the corner.  I know that this is slightly too much info, so forgive me, but a day or two ago I noticed a tiny amount of pink discharge in the toilet and my hopes rose a bit.  The last 3 days I've been exhausted, I mean I can't get out of bed before 9:30-10:00am.  My dreams are vivid and weird.  I've been a bit more emotional this week, having tears flow 3 times for no great reason.  One time, I was in church during confirmation and I just thought to myself whether I would feel sad the year that our baby would have been confirmed and before I could blink, I was a fountain of tears, trying to wipe them discreetly.  


 I analyze everything about my body now - are my breasts tender?  Do I feel a little weird? Does that smell bug me? Is my temp up?  Could this be IT?  I know - I'm driving myself crazy. One minute I think 'we did it!' and the next I know we failed.  I guess the pressure is on also because a year ago in June we conceived our sweet baby - I read somewhere that women are more fertile around their birthdays and with mine being at the end of May [yes, I'm a Gemini, can't you tell?], that theory panned out last year and so I'm hoping that it works again this year.  I pray at night, I pray during my walk, I pray during the day...that is the only thing I can do, the only thing I can control.


If we fail this time, it will be our 2nd failed clomid cycle and I wonder at what point we should consider IUI.  Do we try a third cycle on our own and then get help with IUI?  Do we move forward now?  Do we wait a bit?


So things are really all over the map and my emotions are also all over the place.  I'm desperately trying to be positive, but I can't help but prepare for a failure as well as I'm trying to protect myself.  Sometimes I wonder how we got here?  Things were going so well for the first two year of our marriage, then last year everything seemed to change and all the challenges showed up.  I'm so thankful to God for blessing me with a wonderful man who is sticking by me in the darkest days of our marriage - I pray for our marriage to see light and joy soon...

Being a good patient

As many of you know, I am a chronic pain sufferer due to the herniated discs in my neck and back, as well as my fibromyalgia [you can view some clips from a documentary about Fibromyalgia here].  


Today, I came across an awesome post from Kathy, a fellow 'professional patient' about how to be a good patient - you can check out that great post here.  Some of the ideas that Kathy had include the following, and I've added a few of my own, in random order:

Compliments of St. Vincent's Hospital

-Document all your symptoms with photos and written word so you don't forget when you finally get to the doctor's office


-Make lists of all your meds, procedures, who you have seen and when, so that when you go to a new physician, you can just give them a copy instead of writing it all out again


-Get copies of everything!  I now have a huge 4" binder [which I upgraded to as my 2" binder was getting too full].  In there, I have copies of my doctor's notes, all the medical correspondence between my physicians, the application that I submitted for disability, brochures and info I receive from the pharmacy about new meds, as well as copies of all my prescriptions so I know what was prescribed when.  I have another binder for all my fertility stuff, applications, receipts, med info, BBT charts, procedures done when, where and why, ultrasounds , etc.


-Keep track of your symptoms.  I enter all this info onto my computer calendar.  I track really bad days, I track bad 'episodes', I track abnormal cramping, in addition to all my medical appointments/physio/acupuncture, etc.


-If you are attending an important appointment, feel free to take notes during the appointment or  bring someone with you who will have a 'clearer mind'.  Freddie went with me to see the neurosurgeon as I was worried that I wouldn't remember all the info.  In lieu of that, bring a tape recorder or a video camera and tape the appointment [someone on Kathy's blog posted that one :-) ]


-Prepare for your appointment by making lists of all your questions and things you need to talk about.  If I don't prepare appropriately, sometimes I miss or forget about something I wanted to discuss and we all know how difficult it is to call a specialists office for more info.  Also, make sure that you ask WHY something is being recommended, WHY this treatment is sought after, WHY this drug might help....and don't forget that you have the right to refuse treatment if it doesn't make sense to you.


-Talk to folks in the waiting room. Many of them are there to see the same doctor or another similar specialist in the practice. They may have great advice about meds that have worked for them, treatments that are helpful and things to consider.


-Be on time.  It's hard to demand your doctor's full attention if you arrived late and are cutting into someone else's time.


-Be honest with your physician. They can't help if they don't know exactly what is going on with you.  This is no time to be ashamed or shy. If you are taking supplements or herbs, or practice some alternative therapies, tell them.


-Be nice!  I realize it's hard to keep your cool when you first see a med student who asks for your entire history, then the resident arrives and you answer all the same questions, and then finally your doctor enters and you repeat yourself for the third time.  I have often thought "You have my chart - can you read??"  If you are at a teaching hospital, this inconvenient practice will come up often. Just think, you are helping shape future doctors...and it unavoidable.


-If you don't feel comfortable with a resident or med student doing a procedure, SPEAK UP.  You have the right to being treated by a professional.  I can recall the last epidural that I had for my herniated discs a few years ago.  I had had this procedure done by my physician twice before, with very short lived results, so when I was asked if I wanted it again, I said sure, why not.  A student came in to do it with whom I didn't feel comfortable at all, but was scared to speak up as I didn't want to offend this person.  The injection was supposedly done correctly, but I immediately had excruciating pain, my blood pressure dropped down to 60/40 and I immediately regretted the decision.  I lay on the gurney for over an hour and was finally released when my blood pressure rose to 90/60, but the pain lasted a long time.  So speak up!  Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.


-Get a second opinion if you feel one is warranted.  Sometimes, as patients, we feel that we have to trust our doctor, but at times, your gut tells you that you are not happy with what you are hearing. GET A SECOND OPINION!  Your doctor won't be offended - and if they are, then they have something to hide.


I know there are things I haven't thought of, but feel free to add to the list.

Miscarriage and the Catholic Church

Hello Friends,
I got a link from a newsletter to a page which hosts a blog by Fr. Frank Pavone and he so beautifully wrote about miscarriage and what it really means.  His words really resonated with me, especially the following excerpts:


"...here is one fundamental truth that needs to stay front and center: a miscarriage is the loss of a child who is just as real and has just as much value as any other child of any age. A woman who has a miscarriage is a parent who has lost a child, as is the father of the child as well.


In a society which continues to have a legal and cultural blind spot for the unborn, many suffer from the illusion that miscarriage doesn’t grieve a parent as much as the loss of, well, a “real child,” and that is precisely what hurts so much. We can never console someone in grief if we imply, even remotely, that the person they lost wasn’t real."


"...The naming of these children who have died is one significant way of acknowledging their reality. The counting of these children matters too, so that if a parent is asked how many children he/she has, the child who died before birth is counted as one of them."


" The life of that child matters, no matter how short it was. The death of that child matters, no matter how many may not cry. And the love I have for that child matters, even if nobody else knows."


You can read the entire entry here.  I had made a comment, but there is an "internal error" and I can't post my comment there, so here it is:
Thank you for your kind words and acknowledgement of our children.  It is rare that we are acknowledged as parents or receive expressions of sympathy or compassion.  We named our child and had a memorial service, but I wish that our parishes would mention and acknowledge us as parents - this past Mother's Day, our parish priest expressed well wishes to all mothers in church, those who were not able to join us and those who had passed on, yet he neglected to even acknowledge those mothers without living children.  Perhaps a special day sanctioned by the church to pray for all those children who were born in heaven would be nice.


I know that this is how I feel - that we are all parents and that our children count. I know that if we ever have another child, I will definitely correct folks when they assume that it's our first - it's not.  Also, with Father's Day coming, I found a really nice card for Freddie from our Angel- it start with something along the lines of "Dear Dad, although we're far apart and can't be together on this day, I want you to know that you are the best dad possible"...or something along that vein.


It's nice to see our children acknowledged, perhaps this is a move in the right direction!