Giving it all to God

I thought that this pregnancy would be different.
I didn't think that I'd feel this way.
But in a strange way, I'm at peace.


I expected to be worried, full of anxiety and stress.  Based on what others have told me and based on what I've read, I didn't even expect to enjoy this pregnancy.  I thought that the worry and stress from thinking about the possibility of losing this baby too would overshadow the entire experience... but I'm strangely peaceful and I trust that this baby will be coming home with us.

Compliments of Soul Inference

I pray.  I speak to God.  And I know that He loves me.  I've never been one to blame God for what happens to me.  Ever since I was a child, I also felt a special connection to God - simply put, I felt loved.  I know that early on it was the simple naivete of a child growing up with a single parent, praying that my 'magical' father in heaven would make sure that I was OK...but as I matured, I realized that I found strength and comfort in God.  I couldn't achieve anything without HIM.  I remember praying as a child, after the death of my dad, that God would protect my mom so that I wouldn't be an orphan - and now I thank God that He protected me.  And so it is now with this pregnancy.  It is an eerie calm and a feeling of peace, knowing that God is watching over us.  I remember having this exact same feeling when we left the Emergency Room - the doctor indicated that this was probably nothing and to go home and monitor the situation - as we walked outside, I knew that God was with us and no harm would come to Sammy.  Well, I was wrong, the harm did come, but I never felt alone.  The one comfort that I had was that my sweet Sammy was always in a better place - enjoying heaven with God and all His angels.  And now, I feel like this baby is the answer to all my prayers and the prayers of my loved ones.  Once our family friends, who happen to be nuns, found out that I was pregnant once more, they offered to call their motherhouse in Europe [which I had visited 20 years ago with my mom] and ask that the nuns there pray for me and this baby.  Perhaps its the love, via prayer, that I feel from others.  Or perhaps it's knowing that even IF anything should happen, modern medicine can't help me, only our Lord can do that.  I know miracles happen, but in today's society we call them 'modern medicine' or 'technology', but deep down, I feel the hand of God guiding those who help us.


So I keep praying - and I don't stress.  Each day with this baby is a gift, a gift I wish I could have shared with Sammy.  Perhaps this is me simply trying to protect my heart - I prefer to think that it is confidence in God's plan for me.  If I were to be honest with you [and with me], although I realize that I am indeed pregnant, it's hard for me to fathom that we will have a baby in the house.  It's hard for me to imagine all the ways that our lives will change.  Perhaps it's just hard for me to imagine a happy ending.


But no matter what happens, I know that my God is always with me.  I know that Mary, to whom I've been praying for the gift of motherhood, is also by my side.  I feel empowered.  I feel safe.  And I daresay I feel content.  I only pray that I will be able to pass on this strong belief in God onto our child...for how do you quantify or teach it?  I just hope that s/he will feel that God loves us and trust that we are never alone.

Family Reactions

I hate to admit it, but I've been struggling with some of the family reactions that we've received lately.  Instead of being happy and enjoying their well wishes, I find myself feeling annoyed and a little resentful...


Last weekend, we went over to visit with some family for a few belated birthday celebrations.  It was strange to receive 'Congratulations' from smiling, happy faces - when just a few months ago these same faces were nowhere to be found, at a time when we needed them most.  For me, it was strange to see this much excitement over this baby, when Sammy still seems to be the silent secret that our families won't talk about.  Some of our family members have still never acknowledged Sammy's loss with any sign or expression of condolensces - is it me or is that weird??  So when they offer congratulatory hugs and well wishes, I can't

Compliments of Futchi at DeviantArt

 help but feel awkward, almost put on the spot, embarrassed in some strange way - simply put, my emotions are torn between loving my family, happiness about this new baby but also disappointment and anger towards these same well wishers.  Maybe  they feel bad about their behaviour and lack of support after Sammy's death, so now they are 'laying it on a little thick" to make up for it??  Or maybe they are genuinely happy this time?  What is it about this child that was different from Sammy?  They never met Sammy, but they also haven't met this child?  There was the same hope that they would meet Sammy, as we have now that they will meet this baby?  I know I'm reading too much into this, but what made Sammy so unlovable to our families?  Why was Sammy not as special and unique to them, as he was to us?  And if they were so indifferent about Sammy, why all the fuss and excitement now?


One of my traits, which I inherited from my maternal grandmother, and hate, is the fact that I can't seem to get excited and deliriously happy to the point of jumping around.  My grandmother is definitely a pessimist about everything, and my mom works to overcome that, but still shows some of this at times and she hates this trait as she knows it has disappointed me in the past.  When we were shopping for my wedding dress, each girl expects that when you find 'the dress', your mother will be happy for you, well up with tears and cry at how beautiful her little girl looked - well not my mom.  We narrowed it down to 2 dresses, and then she proceeded to nitpick at each one, pointing out their positives and negatives in relation to how they looked on me - please don't misread this, this was the criticism that I needed and this is the way we shop - and once I decided, she told me it was a gorgeous dress and I looked lovely in it.  We paid the deposit and left.  That's it - no tears, no emotional hugs - that's just not US.   This last time when we announced our pregnancy, Freddie's mom teared up and started crying and hugging us at the same time, while my mom put the card down, gulped for air, looked worried and she said 'You're not going to do anything you're not supposed to, right?  God -willing, this time it will work'.  So you see, my MIL had the expected reaction, meanwhile my mom was subdued.  Sadly, I also exhibit this trait and I hate it.  Let me give you an example - when Freddie proposed, instead of screaming "Yes", I was scared and I mean deathly afraid!  I took almost a month to finally say "Yes", and that was only after I looked at all my options, figured out the worst case scenario and analyzed the likelihood of our marriage working.  Maybe I'm just analytical, or maybe I'm just scared coming from broken marriage with no dad in the picture. Whatever the reason, it wasn't the expected reaction.  When I told my mom for the first time that we were pregnant, I was almost embarrassed to say it, as if she would know for sure that I was having sex! I mean really, I was 36 and married for crying out loud... but I still felt awkward about it!  


So perhaps my weird feelings towards our families are simply more ME than them.  Perhaps it's simply MY inability to get deliriously happy and jump up for joy.  Maybe it's my own insecurities rearing their ugly head.  Maybe I'm reading way more into this than anyone of them would think.  I just don't know...

I've been in a funk.

Hello dear friends,
Sorry to have 'disappeared' on you for a little bit, but I just didn't feel like writing.  In fact, I didn't even write in my personal journal since we went on vacation at the start of August - and I feel a little bit bad about that too.  I didn't really have a reason why I didn't write or blog - I just didn't feel like it.  For some reason, I needed to retreat into my own little cocoon and pay attention to ME for a little bit.  I'm sure that dealing with the loss of our friend and the constant morning sickness didn't make me very lively either.


I'm feeling better now - on all fronts, so I'm happy to say that I'm back!
A few weeks ago [as I've completed 14 weeks and am now in my 15th week of pregnancy], we had our 12 week scan and neuchtal testing.  I won't lie, I was a little bit apprehensive about this, as any mother would be - but Freddie and I had discussed all the possibilities and even before getting pregnant, we had decided that for us, any of our children would be coming home with us, regardless of their physical/mental/behavioural challenges.  Now, let me be clear: we are both hoping and praying for a happy and healthy baby, but we love this child no matter what.  So to make a long story short, the thickness of the vessels in the neck measured I think 0.3cm, and anything over 1cm might indicate a problem - so we got a clean bill of health!  I go back for further blood work for Downes and other potential problems, but I've been told that based on the good result above, they do not expect any negative results, so that is very optimistic.


It was a really great visit, as Freddie had our video camera and it was clear that our little munchkin was extremely active!  The baby kept flipping between its back and side, so it was hard to get a clear shot, but it was very exciting to see our little one moving around so much!!  I think we spent a good 40 minutes looking at our baby and listening to the heartbeat, and we loved every minute of it. It was so exciting to later show the video to our parents, for whom it was just a blob moving around and my MIL kept asking where the head was :-)


In terms of health, the morning sickness is easing up a little bit.  I don't think I've thrown up in about a week and a half.  I still get an episode or two of nasty nausea, but as long as I eat, it vanishes as quickly as it came - and yes, I'm still taking Diclectin, but I'm down to 4 pills from 5.  The bad part is that the back, neck and join pain is a lot worse.  I'm using the lidocaine cream, which sometimes works, depending on how bad the pain is, but I can't count on it.  I've had quite a few days where I'm immobile on the couch, whimpering and waiting for the day to end.  I've used the hot tub to ease the pain, but it only helps as long as I'm in the warm water.  The heating pad helps a bit too.


Today, I went back, for the first time in weeks, to my warm pool aquabics class.  There was a new instructor who was very good, but an exercise tyrant!  I went at my own pace, as due to my medical conditions there are some moves that I simply can't do [like jumping high up out of the water, or doing jumping jacks and doing a 360 degree rotation] and due to the pregnancy and the fact that this was my first time in weeks, I was taking it easy.  At one point, she came over, turned off her mike and asked if I was doing OK - I smiled [actually laughed almost] and said, "Yes, please don't worry - I just have some medical conditions so I can't do all the moves".  She seemed relieved, as I think she was genuinely concerned - after class I had hoped to chat with her a bit more, but a lady who works at the same place as I did before my medical leave was chatting with her, and frankly I didn't want this woman to know any of my business - oh well, I'm sure we'll chat again.


I'm home now, resting and feeling all the muscles in my body working.  I'll end things there as I don't want this post getting too long...I'll write again soon!


And following Mary's lead at Viva La Vida,  here are my stats for the week....


How far along:  14 weeks and 1 day


Weight gain/loss:  I eat a little bit more than usual [my doc recommended 500 calories more] and so since the start of my pregnancy I think I've gained approximately 8lbs - not bad.  I just wish I could control where on my body this weight comes - for me, its clearly in the tummy and boobs, but the thighs are growing too :-(


Maternity clothes:  I'm starting to wear some, especially pants.  Most of my pants don't zip up and the thighs feel a little bit tight.  A friend gave me the belly band, so I might get to wear some jeans again.  I also bought some used pregnancy clothes online, so I have some pants, jeans, capris and cords...and the thighs fit!


Stretch marks:  No stretch marks...yet.  I do use BioOil, but I don't use it twice a day as the instructions indicate.  I might use it every other day...I know this is TMI, but I am using it on my nipples as well which are getting dry and I can almost see the individual ducts forming, sexy, eh?
  
Sleep:  I didn't need naps up until last week, but now I feel the need to nap between 7-9pm.  I go to bed at 10:30pm with Freddie and I still wake up A LOT!  When I try to roll over, it hurts as my hips and legs often feel like they are asleep and I have trouble shifting the weight.  I usually get up to pee about once or twice a night, and in general the sleep is not good.  I do find that I stay in bed until about 9:30am and I still wake up tired [I know, I can hear you gasping!  Luckily, I don't have to be at work right now...]


Best moment since the last update:  Seeing our budding soccer star showing off some moves on the ultrasound.


Food cravings:  I seem to eat quite often, and when I eat, I'm already planning my next 'snack'.  I haven't had cravings, but I seem to want to cook some of the fall dishes that I associate with the season.  I've also been doing some cooking and freezing half, in anticipation of times when I'll be too sick to cook [and I'm sick of Freddie's frozen pizzas!]


Gender:  We have no plans on finding out, but at our last ultrasound the tech asked if we wanted to know as she was over the genitals, so I'm almost thinking that its a boy, as what else could she see at 12 weeks?  Although I kind of 'feel' that it might be a girl...so we'll see!


Belly button in or out?  Still in. 


Movement:  Lots of it - I just don't feel it yet.  I do feel some gas and stretching, so I think that it might be movement but I just don't know for sure...I'm sure I'll start feeling our baby soon.


What I miss: Feeling more energetic - I just feel like a huge slob.  Freddie has to remind me that I'm on medical leave for a reason AND I'm also pregnant.  I tend to 'forget' and lament that I don't have the same energy levels as before.


What I'm looking forward to:  Being a good size so that it is obvious I'm pregnant.  I'm at the point now where I can still conceal it and I just look pudgy.


Milestones:  Having yet another day with our baby!

-roxanne update
-feelings about dad
-when to tell work I'm pregnant
-our anniversary

Appreciate what & who you have in your life - today!

I'm writing this with a heavy heart. In fact, all week has been heavy and sad.


On Monday, Labour Day, Freddie and I were having a very relaxing day - what I mean is we were still in our PJ's enjoying our brunch and watching TV, when the phone rang.  Freddie's buddy texted to see if we are home and if he could call.  That was odd - why not just call?  We speculated that perhaps he got engaged or had some good news to share with us...well, we were partially right.  He called to inform us that our good friend, Roxanne, who Freddie had gone to school with and whom I had gotten to know over the years, had lost her husband that morning.  WHAT???  He DIED??  The shock set in and the happy glow of the day was gone in an instant.


To give you a bit of history, Roxanne and Freddie had been friends for about 15 years.  When I joined Freddie's life, Roxanne and I had one of those relationships where we teased each other incessantly and had great fun doing it.  Although Roxanne doesn't live in our town, she is only 2 hours away, and she attended our Christmas parties over the years, and we saw each other a few times each year.  Roxanne was a very independent and free woman - she got out of an arranged engagement in college and blazed her own path setting up a great career and a good life for herself.  Recently, she met a nice guy and last summer they got married.  During 14 months of their marriage, they travelled a fair bit and had a blast.  Until Monday, that is.  Now it seems that her world is crumbling.


We last saw our friends earlier in the summer and we chatted about how life was going, how they were all adjusting to living together [as Roxanne became a step mom when they married], etc.  Now, she is dealing with the loss of her husband to a car accident and trying to be a step-parent to a 16 year old young man.  I'm so worried about her.  For those of us who have lost a child, we know that it is not the same as losing a grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin or even a parent - it is totally different, completely.  I dare not even assume that I know what she is dealing with, but having lost a child, I think that I might be able to understand it a bit better than most.  I also know the long road ahead of her, as I had just travelled a similar path. I know that the next year will be horrible, lonely and full of pain.  I also realize that although the young man's mother is not in the picture, Roxanne has no legal right to this boy - I don't know if she is thinking of continuing to parent him or letting him move in with his grandparents.  All I know is that the road ahead is rocky, steep and difficult.


We are going to miss the funeral at the mosque, as it is during the day, but we will attend the funeral reception tomorrow night.  We will also stay until Saturday and hopefully spend part of the day with her.  I want to tell her so much, to share so much and let her know that I understand a bit of what she's going through...but its too soon.  I'll talk to her in a week or two, once the dust settles and all the relatives have gone home - that is when she'll need the most support.


I'm starting to think about suggestions and ideas I could share with her to help her deal with her loss and I have a short list so far:
-I've picked up a few poems about loss that helped me
-I'll suggest that she put together a memory box of a few of her husband's things that she might want to hold on to
-writing a letter to her husband, saying all the things she wishes she could have said
-writing a letter to God, if that would help her
-journalling her thoughts and feelings
-seeking counselling help for herself and/or her step-son
-joining a bereavement group in her area
-I'll give her my copy of Heaven is For Real [although I thought the book was a little bit simple, it does offer hope and inspiration.  Roxanne is muslim, but we worship the same God, so I don't think that she'll mind the reference to Christ]
-taking as much time as she needs - not rushing the process.


Do you have any other thoughts on what might help her grieve the loss of her husband and best friend?


I've ordered a large planter of flowers that we will bring to her home - that way, she can water and care for her little garden.  We had received a similar garden from my in-laws, and I enjoy always having it in sight.


For now, we'll offer love and support, a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.  We're still in shock... but it made both Freddie and I appreciate the fact that we have each other, our families and friends, as clearly life is so fragile...   Please keep Roxanne and her family in you prayers - and hug your loved ones tonight!

We made it!

Hello Dear Friends,

Well, we made it!  Made it past Sammy's gestational age.  What I mean is, that we lost our sweet Sammy at 10 weeks and 2 days...and today I'm 10 weeks and THREE days!  Oddly, I'm not worried or freaking out and I honestly find that a little strange.  Part of that is because I don't quite feel 'connected' to this baby yet - I keep thinking of Sammy and my brain still can't really wrap around the fact that I'm carrying a second child.  The other reason perhaps is the fact that our clinic has been really good with reassuring us with extra ultrasounds, just to make sure that all is going well.

I think I mentioned that our second ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday, which put us at 10 weeks and 1 day - we began miscarrying Sammy at 10 weeks and 1 day - so once again, the timing seemed to be chosen by God himself.  At the ultrasound, we met a new technician, a lovely, motherly lady who gave us a 'tour' of my entire reproductive organs.  This was really neat as she screened both my ovaries, checked the uterus and lining and explained everything along the way.

Then, we got to see our little bean, who was doing well.  The baby measured 10 weeks and 4 days, so it is measuring a few days larger.  The baby was 3.65 cm.  The heartbeat was 171, which was really great and strong.  She let us listen to the heartbeat for a little while and in the middle of this, our baby decided to roll over and almost do a little 'jig' as if s/he knew that s/he was being watched.  We saw the heart beating strongly and even saw fluid move between the umbilical cord.  In the photo on the right here, you can clearly see the head, which is no longer large and oval, the body is also very clear, as are the arms and legs - you can see one arm on top [almost like a little wing] and the arm on the bottom is pointing right at the wand so you only see a circle.  The legs are also little circles here.  She also showed us the shrinking yolk sac and the expanding amniotic sac.  I think that for the first time I smiled and enjoyed it, as opposed to having that 'deer caught in headlights' look.  So Freddie and I were thrilled that everything was right on track!  We go back in two weeks to do the neuchtal screening, where they measure the thickness of the skin behind the neck as an indicator of possible problems, but I'm not worried too much as Freddie and I had discussed all the possibilities and 'what if's' ...and for us, this baby is coming home no matter what.  Obviously we hope and pray for a happy and healthy baby [and I ask for your prayers as well], but should that not be the case, this is our child and we could never choose to terminate...never.

Today, I also had my appointment at the Pain Clinic and they were very happy to hear that we were in our 11th week of pregnancy.  Originally, they were going to try to reduce my oxycontin a little bit, but I've had more pain recently which I realize could simply be due to the pregnancy, as 'normal' women experience back and hip pain during this time.  So due to my pain levels, they decided to leave things alone for now, so  I'm still on the same meds, but also received a topical lidocaine cream which I can use on my sore joints upto 4 times daily.  Hopefully this will help me, as I often have joint pain...and lately sleeping is really tough.  For example, last night I had a good night as I only woke up about 7-10 times, as lately I wake up about 20 times a night.  I roll over, or rather try to and I wake up as it hurts so much. Or I'll wake up because my leg or hip have fallen asleep and I feel pins and needles, or I might just hurt in general...so I'll stare at the ceiling, check the clock and say a prayer asking the good Lord to help me get back to sleep...and I do for another 20-40 minutes and then we repeat again. 

Anyway, the other plan that my pain team has for me is to decrease the oxycontin level in December and starting January I am to have lidocaine effusions, which is basically a treatment where I would have a drug cocktail administered intravenously, which is supposedly helpful with joint pain and fibromyalgia pain - the bonus is that the lidocaine clears my system within 6-8 hours and will have very little effect on our baby.  I have full confidence in my team of doctors that they are weighing the risks and benefits of all these drugs carefully and that my doctor is a leader in her field  and not afraid to prescribe narcotics during pregnancy.  I've heard many horror stories from other women whose doctor refuses to prescribe anything during pregnancy and they suffer enormously!  In my case, I had gone to an epidemiologist to have my drug risk assessed and my pain doctor is up on the most recent research and her philosophy [which I've read similar trains of thought in research articles] is that the main thing is to keep the mother comfortable and pain free as much as possible, as the stress caused by chronic pain can be much more detrimental to the baby than the low level of drugs that I am on...so I am confident that all will be well and that we are in good hands.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful long weekend!

Secret Regrets

Yesterday, I was watching a previously taped episode of Dr. Phil.  The Secret Regrets website is a public place where people can anonymously post their most secret regrets - and boy was it interesting!  

http://secretregrets.com/

The first story was a young girl who regretted contacting her birth father as things hadn't turned out how she had hoped and Dr. Phil was helping them create a relationship.  One thing that struck me was when he said that simply being family and sharing DNA didn't automatically create a relationship.  He was encouraging them to try and create a relationship... and this made me think of the rocky relationship that I have with my aunt/godmother.  I made a conscious decision to try and make an effort to be nice to her, despite her behaviour or past episodes.  Please know that this will be oh so very hard, as she is just one of those people who are oblivious to their acts & words and are like an annoying insect which knows just where to hurt you.  So I know I can't change her behaviour, I can only change my reaction - and I'm going to make a much greater effort...


The second story really got to me: a young woman regretted aborting her baby on the advice of her then boyfriend.  She had feelings of guilt and felt responsible for the death of her child and promised that she would never abort a child again.  I was in tears as I was crying over the death of an innocent child, but I was also crying for her as she was so clearly in pain and grieving, as many of us were.  Needless to say, the boyfriend quickly disappeared and she was completely alone with her grief.  When I went to the Secret Regrets website I found a few similar stories where either a mother regretted pushing her daughter to have an abortion or a young woman regretted her choice - but what really made me sad were some of the comments, which for the most part were very supportive, but there were a few basically indicating that these women had nothing to regret, that the writer had also had an abortion years ago and was very happy with the decision she had made at the time and would in fact make it again.  I was devastated reading this!  Somehow, seeing that young woman on TV grieving so openly over an abortion that she had had made her somehow relatable to me, but these women who had had an abortion years ago and then went on to marry and have kids and grandkids seemed cold and heartless.  I guess I can reason that young women don't know what they are getting themselves into and then learn and grow, but I just don't understand how any woman who has given birth herself, could look back on her previous abortion and somehow not call that baby her child.  I don't understand  how anyone can have multiple abortions and simply carry on with life as if it was a bank transaction.  How can anyone be so completely unaffected??  And yes, I realize that a lot of that has to do with our fundamental beliefs... but I'm also a scientist and I've never understood how the medical and scientific community can justify abortion, when I was always taught that biologically, life begins with the first set of cell division.  It never made sense to me!

From Turn Back to God

I was so upset, that the only thing I could do was to pick up my rosary and pray.  Pray to our Mother, Mary, begging her to guide young women away from abortion, begging her to guide medical personnel to reexamine their acts and conscience and find their way back to God, begging Mary to give some peace to those women who live with the daily regret of abortion, begging her to bring understanding and love to those women who had abortions and didn't look back, praying for our politicians that they may change the laws of my country which currently freely allow abortions.  I think I cried throughout the entire rosary - I don't know if I've ever felt that kind of desperation while praying and begging for change, begging to save so many innocent lives.


At the end, I thought of what I could do and I felt guilt as although our church does organize the 'Chain of Life', where people stand in front of the hospital in a prayerful protest, I've never gone, I've never put myself on display like that... and now I felt like a coward.  So I thought about how else I might help and I thought that perhaps when I have a bit more time [and once my disability case is finished] I could perhaps volunteer at a youth crisis centre or help counsel young women who are faced with an unplanned pregnancy.  I don't know, I felt the need to do something...just not entirely sure what...