Clueless!

I've been feeling so clueless lately!  Allow me to backtrack and explain a little.                                                                                  Since I seem to have a weird cycle, I've started to read anything and everything I can get my hands on.  To aid my info quest, I've gone back to basics, yes, I have gone back to PAPER, in the form of books. This is greatly aided by the fact that a new community centre and library has opened near our home and I find myself there obtaining info.  So I've borrowed a few books and read about diet, emotional state, vitamins, exercise, etc., etc., etc.  At a glance, it seems that we're doing everything within limits. We have a pretty good diet, I do get a bit of exercise in the form of therapy, I take my prenatal vitamins including folic acid and I don't think I'm overly stressed by this (but who knows how the body reacts?).  

I'm now reading a book "Taking charge of your Fertility" and its very detailed.  It talks about anovulatory cycles, delayed ovulation and the possibility that if my body didn't react to the progesterone, there is a possibility that I did ovulate without a thermal shift.  This has given me a little bit of hope.  Also, counting back to when I think I ovulated and comparing that to the calendar, it turns out that I might have ovulated 2 days before my appointment with Dr. N, and I know that I was nervous about that.  Somehow, I don't think that I was nervous to the point of being so stressed as to affect my cycle, but this has been a rough month.  At the tail end of my last cycle I saw Dr. F, then at the start of this cycle I saw Dr. P and a few weeks later Dr. N.  So maybe this is just a one-off weird cycle?

So from all this reading not only have I learned a lot more than my mother ever taught me about 'AF', but I feel like I've been completely CLUELESS to what my body has been doing for years now!  It's really amazing that anybody gets pregnant with the number of IF's that have to happen: IF you ovulate, IF you time IT right, IF there is "good cervical mucus" to help move the sperm along, IF the egg is released at the right time,  IF the sperm are in the correct tube (as only one tube typically releases an egg), at the right time, IF fertilization happens to take place...wow, it really is a miracle!  Although I feel like I understand my body more (and you can tell I'm type A and need to control everything) and it makes me only feel like I'm regaining control over this situation, because knowing more still can't make this happen!

I hope that its not delayed ovulation as I don't want to ovulate any time soon. Freddie has gone on a fishing trip, and although I miss him terribly, I'm glad that he's going to have some fun.  As for me, I've rented a stack of chick-flics and plan to watch the better part of most of them.  I've also been going to the heated pool at the community centre and for the most part its uneventful, but on Thursday night, after I spent a good chunk of the day reading about my fertility, who do I see leaving the adjacent library, but couples leaving a lamaze class, I assume, as where else would you find very pregnant women with husbands and pillows?  I didn't expect to feel as sad as I did, but I couldn't help but think that WE SHOULD BE TAKING THAT CLASS!!!  Our Angel was due in early March and we should have been in that room preparing for the birth of our baby.  I shouldn't be looking at those women as an outsider, I should be one of them!

As our Angel's due date approaches next month, I'd like to do something special to commemorate, but besides buying cupcakes or a cake for Freddie and I, I'm not sure what to do.  I know my family won't even blink so I don't know how to commemorate this special day for us.  Somehow I'm focussing on that more than Valentine's Day and I was surprised that it was coming up so quickly.  Honestly, I couldn't care less about it...but our Due Date means so much more!!  If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'd love to hear them...