Uh-oh!

It seems that the winds of a new storm are starting to blow.  I should have known that this gorgeous, sunny day wouldn't last long.  I wasn't prepared for the sight that greeted me as I walked up to the door of my next door neighbour, to drop off my Similac baby formula package with the hand written note I attached.  There, in her large living room window, sat two, not one, but TWO "Welcome Baby" diaper pyramids. Clearly, she had just had her baby shower.  I just wasn't prepared to see this sight.  I went over there on my way back from acupuncture, knowing that no one was home.  I didn't want to run into her as I knew I'd be stressed and not know what to say, but I still had to see those two baby towers.  Damn it, I should have had my baby shower.  Will I always feel so jealous?  I know its stupid, but I almost feel as if they have my baby, as if its going to live next door to me.  Rational thought? Of course not!  But who said that my heart had to be rational?


Then to top it off, I emailed my boss to set up a time to give an update on where things stand with my back issues and was told that there had been a meeting with HR this afternoon. Perfect timing, right?  I had planned on talking to my boss to explain that I'm on new meds to control the pain and hope to be able to return to work at some point. Now I'm worried that perhaps my employer won't want to wait for me to be better, but would rather fill my position with an able-bodied person.  On one hand, I have only been off on disability since September, so 6 months now, and off work for 8, so I haven't even been gone a year!  Each time I ask HR how long my job will be held for me while I'm sick, I'm told that it's at the discretion of my department.  I was hoping that my department would wait a little bit longer.  To be honest, I had hoped that they would be able to wait for 2 years, as that coincides with when the disability becomes permanent. I would hate to be in a position where my employer terminates me and I don't have my disability lined up. I'd hate to be sick and unemployed.  I'm so worried now - I can feel my body tensing up and my muscles quivering.  I wish, I hope - for so many things.  I'm starting to shift into hopeLESS.