Goodbye 2010!

It's been a rough year, but I think most of us can say that.  As I reflect on this past year, there is so much sadness and dashed hopes and dreams. I really hope that 2011 will be better for all of us.


I found this on a fellow blogger's site [Thanks Jamie!!] and when I watched it, it so perfectly summed up the last year, I couldn't help but post it as well.

Wishing you all a very Happy 2011!!

Feast of the Holy Innocents

How fitting that I get back to blogging on the Feast of the Holy Innocents.  I've started looking at some devotionals and daily prayers on line - this is one of the ones that I like:  http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay/


Christmas went better than expected.  On Christmas Eve, we had a really nice dinner at my mom's, and the family behaved themselves for the most part.  My aunt was reasonably tolerable - I must let you know that recently I have not gotten along with this woman. She prides herself on being the etiquette expert and never fails to tell any of us what to do or how to do it, and when we get annoyed with her, she plays the "respect your elders" card.  She also prides herself on being a devout Catholic and standing up for the Church's teachings. I've been upset with her because when our angel left, she never said a word to us about it or even acknowledged our child's life. As a "good Catholic", you'd think that she would recognize that our baby was a real entity and child of God from conception, but instead silence. My mom, on the other hand, was really touched when she opened up her gift and among them was a small ornament to commemorate our sweet angel.  Her eyes welled up and I was really touched.  She hung the ornament promptly and I was happy to see this gesture.


The next day, we went to my in-laws and it was fairly pleasant too. I must admit that I was really bored at the start and frankly a little annoyed when all the 'tweens' pulled out their phones and proceeded to play and/or text, ignoring those of us in the room.  I am always annoyed by the fact that on my in-law's side, there is no distinction between Christmas and any other day.  The kids were either in jeans and t-shirts, or in jogging pants. Nothing was particularly clean or pressed. Freddie's dad did impress this year - he left his jogging pants and put on "real" pants this year, so that was nice. But the rest of the clan was dressed like any other day and this bugs me, as in my house, Christmas is one of the most important holidays, next to Easter, and everyone is dressed for dinner and the festivities.


Freddie's dad was also in a funky mood and at one point and came down and shared with us that my mother in law had had a biopsy on a growth on her leg and it came back cancerous, but they are certain that they cut it all out and she is healthy and apparently cancer free.  She will be monitored for the next while.  So he tells us this as we are sitting on the couch, one of the adults is sleeping on the next couch over and the kids are playing games on the floor. Now Freddie's dad is notorious for lacking the ability to keep a secret, so I'm not sure if this was news that he was supposed to share or if he simply spilled the beans as always. So naturally this spoiled the dinner for Freddie and I as we were totally worried, but couldn't even say anything as we weren't sure if we were supposed to know.  Oh, so stressful!


I've been praying every single day for our angel and to our angel that our angel will intercede on our behalf and ask God for another baby.  Freddie and I are really working hard at another baby and sometimes I worry that I'm going to wear the poor guy out!  On the bright side,  I've had some cramping, I've had one instance of some mild pink spotting if you will, and so I'm so hopeful that this will be our Christmas miracle.  I'm just worried that we might be disappointed again.  


So far, the break has been really nice with Freddie.  I feel that we are really close and on the same page.  Although I'll never forget our sweet baby, I don't cry and seem as sad as before, so I know that Freddie isn't as worried as before.  That doesn't mean that I'm magically better, but its just nice to have him from work and with me during the day, which definitely keeps my spirits up.


I've got a few medical appointments coming up, including seeing a surgeon to figure out next steps.  I started preparing for the appointment by reading up some info and making a list of questions I should be asking.  The more I read, the more scared I get of the surgery.  In fact, I'm TERRIFIED of surgery. I've never had surgery before. I'm not only scared of the increased pain, but I'm deathly afraid that it might make things worse.  What if I end up in more pain? What if I end up in worse shape? Or worse still, in a wheelchair?  If this was a life or death issue and I had not choice but to do surgery, then it would be easier.  The choice terrifies me - and then what if I decide that surgery is too risky but my disability insurer disagrees?  Can they force me to have surgery?  I just feel so scared right now!!!  We desperately want a baby and with my age, this is the best time for us, we shouldn't wait. If by some miracle we got pregnant this month, then that would give me more time to figure out what my options are, maybe see another surgeon, or simply postpone the surgery...


I'm ready and positively thrilled at just the thought that perhaps God would grace our lives with another child, but the thought of surgery and the possibly life-altering after effects simply terrify me.  I just feel scared.

Merry Christmas

Just taking a moment, before I shower, iron my clothes and pack up all my cookies and cakes for our big Christmas Eve Vigil... but I wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas.  May this Christmas be peaceful and happy, even though many of us will be thinking of not only Baby Jesus, but also of our own babies who rest at God's feet.  I saw this image on Facebook and it seemed so sweet, so I'm sharing it with you as well. 

Merry Christmas!!!

Things I'll never get to do now

So its been a few days and I'm trying to get into the spirit of the season. Some days it works, some days it doesn't.  


On Sunday night, Freddie and I were watching Survivor. Now, I must admit that Survivor is kind of like a car wreck - its frustrating, takes a long time to get through it and although it annoys you, you can't look away. Neither one of us was a fan of "Fabio's", but seeing the three that were left, Chase, Sash and Fabio, both Freddie and I felt that the right person won.  It was nice to see someone who played a decent, clean game win.  So we've been watching for many weeks how nasty and malicious these people are to each other.  I've always maintained that "It's just a show" is no excuse for bad behaviour.  Clearly, this just shows what people will do for money, so yes, it is a game, but what values are they willing to compromise?


Having said that, I'd love to be on the show!  I'd like to think that I would not cheat, lie or hurt anyone along the way, but I also doubt I'd win.  So this started me thinking on what types of things my current disability is preventing me from, and Survivor is definitely one of them. Now let's be real, there are plenty of other reasons why I wouldn't make the show [not being a US citizen is one of the biggest], but I'm still annoyed that my back/neck pain is limiting me this way!  


So to add to the list, here are a few others:
     -can't go skiing anytime soon [and I just bought all new gear last year!]
     -the bike and rollerblades are sitting in their racks, hopefully I'll be able to get back to them someday
     -dancing...ooooh, I love to dance!  I hope to do more than slow dance when Freddie "holds me up" [on a side note, we went to a wedding in November and I hated having to sit on the sidelines, wear FLATS and be an old lady!  I wanted to shake it up on the dance floor - I mean, I know I looked good and I wanted show off a bit!]
    -skydiving!  Now, I've always wanted to try, but really, I think I'd shit my pants and then chicken out in the end...

There's many more, but these are the ones near and dear to my heart. I guess the frustration is that I can't do this, that something is preventing me from doing it, and most importantly that it's not MY choice.  My circumstances are dictating what I can and can't do, I certainly don't feel like I'm in charge of my own life.  It just makes me sad.  I guess the most important thing that I'd like to get back would be to just feel back to normal and be able to enjoy everyday things.

Confession Time

I went to confession today.  I admit that I don't go often, but I make a point of going at least twice a year.  If I did go more often, I think that would definitely strengthen my relationship with God, but I also feel that I talk to Him daily not only in prayer, but also in conversation.


The church was quiet, except for the sound of Christmas carols in the background.  There were two priests available all day, sitting in full view, on either side of the altar.  Now, quite often, this strikes the "Fear of God", literally, into most Catholics walking into church for reconciliation, but knowing that I had nothing embarrassing to confess, I was not daunted.


One of my favourite priests, Father Jim was free, so I kneeled down and prayed for a moment and thought about what I would say (bonus: no lineup!!).  He smiled as I approached.  It took me a moment to get organized as I had to put my purse down on the floor as I kneeled on the kneeler, and of course I had to place my cane down as well...yes, you read correctly, I am using a cane to get around.  Some days I can make it on my own, but often my balance is off and I need it for stability - then there are days like today where I just hurt and I need it to get around.  I also know that as the day progresses, I need the cane more and more, and I had planned on going to Costco afterwards as well, so preparation is key.  But I digress...


I confessed from being a hard-ass at work sometimes.  I know that although I try to be inclusive of my team, sometimes I need to lay down the law and I know that in the spring I had a temporary employee who was just "not all there" and so I had to ask for things 3 or 4 times and eventually I came to dislike her and I know that I was less than pleasant at times - I regret that.  I told Father Jim that Freddie and I had lost a baby over the summer and before I knew it, the tears were streaming down my face.  
I could barely whisper that I was angry, so angry all the time.  I confessed that I feel entitled to certain things, like sympathy and care from my family, and when I don't get it, I get angry again.  I confessed that I am lazy in prayer because I don't kneel down at night, instead I crawl into bed, I cuddle up to Freddie and I pray under the covers.  Now don't get me wrong, I DO NOT blame God for our loss, but I do feel lazy about prayer.  I was literally whispering this, as I couldn't even articulate my thoughts between the tears streaming down my face; Father Jim just smiled at me with such love and care and told me that it was OK to be angry and entitled. He reminded me that there is no perfect Christmas, but that it is Christmas regardless of our pain and suffering.  He encouraged me to pray, make a routine out of it, and to offer my pain and suffering to God.  He spoke with me for a long while and I know this because my knees were starting to give out on me.


I am really taking his suggestion to heart.  I'll try to find a quiet spot during the day when I can light a candle, read the Bible a little bit, and reflect on my prayer a bit more.  Hopefully if I publicly state that, I'll follow through - so feel free to ask me how its going.


I ended up staying another 30 minutes at church talking to God. I lit a candle for our angel and I prayed to St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes, begging for the chance to have a baby.  I'm hoping this will be our month...


Have you had difficulty with prayer? If so, how did you overcome it?

Macaroons and Confession

It's been a busy week.  We've been hit with our second huge snowstorm of the year.  The city once again was at a standstill, services were suspended and we were stranded at home...again.  I must say that I can't really complain - I enjoy these snow days, as at least I'm not home alone all the time.  Granted, Freddie spent a good chunk of the day trying to clear the driveway, but at least he was home, with me.


A few days after our 'tearful' weekend, I decided to give it my all - and bake. You already know I'm just not in the Christmas spirit, but after Freddie put up the tree and the lights, I trimmed it the next day. It was sooooo much work, but I wanted it done.  I bought an angel baby ornament for our sweet angel, and I hung it next to our "First Christmas Together" ornament. Its right at eye-level when I'm on the couch, and I can't help but be sad that all we have this Christmas is an ornament - no baby :-(


The next day, I decorated the rest of the house, including our large staircase.  I also cleaned up and put everything away, as our bi-weekly cleaning lady was coming and since this was going to be the last cleaning prior to Christmas, I wanted to make sure it was thorough. And...

So I baked and baked.  I made 6 dozen coconut macaroons for the cookie exchange coming up and a few dozen for us to enjoy.  I also made a zebra cookie where you have an orange white layer, a nutty beige layer and a dark coffee layer. You basically have 3 or 4 of these repetitions, so you get a square cookie with about 9 or 12 coloured lines.  These were a lot of work as you prepare each coloured layer separately and then chill the dough. Next, you have to roll the dough out, making sure that each colour was about the same size, so that you can stack them one on top of the other, but the dough would either break up and crumble, or when I finally had it rolled out, it would fall and crumble.  I hated this dough, it was a nightmare. Its now chilling in the fridge, just waiting to be baked. The macaroon, however, are fantastic!  Moist and sweet, absolutely delicious!!!


I was exhausted!  I was in so much pain that I though I'd pass out. On the last batch of macaroons I actually got so nauseous, dizzy and shaky, my vision went blurry and I honestly thought I'd pass out any minute. I called Freddie and he had to spoon out the last sheet of macaroons and bake them.  At no point did he say, 'Whoa, you're doing too much babe!' - but he did say it the next day.  I just realized that I CAN'T DO IT ALL.  I can't do the things I used to be able to do.  The amount of pain every single day is manageable if I "take it easy", but when I try to behave like the old me, I'm whimpering and crumbling in pain. I have to face reality, I'm not being lazy, sadly, this is the "new" me, and Freddie is just going to have to realize that this is the way it is now, and somehow accept it.  Wish us luck!!

Rough weekend...emotionally.

So here we find ourselves, its almost hard to believe, that we're only 2 weeks from Christmas!  I don't know how or when this happened, but this year it has really snuck up on me (and maybe you too?).  I decorated the tree and will finish the last touches on the rest of the house today, I hope.


The weekend was a bit rough.  Freddie and I had the first argument in months!  Now, I might preface this by disclosing that we do not argue often, I'd say maybe once or twice a year and its usually over cleaning. And that is how this one started.  As you know, any good fight is not about one topic exclusively, somehow all other "beefs" and "gripes" get sucked into it and it inevitably ends in tears.  I hate the fact that I'm so emotional and that I end up crying. Its not fair, in fact I feel like I'm sabotaging Freddie by using the "tear card" - except that its not a "tear card", I genuinely can't help it!  


So I asked Freddie to clean off the dining room table from his tools, bring the tree and ornaments up, and, and, and.  He proceeded to tell me that its hard for him to take direction from someone sitting on Facebook - and he was right.  I've come to lean on him so much that the things I'd do when I was single, I now wait for him to do, and lately, as I'm trying not to overdo it, a lot more falls on his shoulders.  I really felt that he was implying that I wasn't doing a whole lot around the house - and compared to before, I really haven't done a whole lot.  When I questioned him about it, he kept repeating that he was sorry that he made me feel bad, that he hated seeing me upset like this... but at no time did he say that it wasn't true, that I was doing enough, or that it was OK.  


I know that he tries to be supportive, but I know its hard for him.  I think that deep down somewhere he resents, a little bit, the fact that I'm home all day, "sitting on my a** and playing online".  Now, if you ask him, he'd say it wasn't true, but I think that it is, a least a little bit.  I've made a conscious effort to make more of an effort around here and try to do more each day, which is hard for me as I feel so sad and depressed most of the time.  I didn't bother to try and explain that the community of women I've found online, on various blogs, and yes, on Facebook, are my support and almost a "life line" to the outside world.  I don't have a strong social network, my friends are all doing their own thing, especially now with Christmas coming, and I'm cooped up in the house most of the day [save for the few hours I'm out at physio] seeing the mess and thinking of all the things that need to be done, the things that I'll ask Freddie to do when he gets home.  I just have to remember that he needs some down time too - if I were to psychoanalyze myself, I think that keeping our home in shape is the only thing I can control right now and so I try, but I can't do it alone.  I just need to let it go a bit, lower my standards and chill.


On Sunday, I was still a little sad from our emotional Saturday night.  In church, it was another lovely service with the participation of our local Bishop, who had a sermon about patience and he gave examples relating to raising children.  I couldn't help but cry through the entire service. It wasn't one of those hysterical cries, but rather tears streaming down my face all the time. I hid this from Freddie by blowing my nose, or just "scratching" my cheek to wipe a tear.  I couldn't help but think where we'd be with our angel now...well into our 6th month.  I had hoped so much to have something to look forward to for Christmas, the possibility of a new baby, but instead I feel so gutted.


I'll try to bake some cookies and maybe that will improve my mood, at least temporarily.